This article made me go “Huh?”
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) is pushing for the FBI to move its headquarters outside of the Washington, D.C., Metropolitan Area, suggesting Alabama as an alternative location.
I’m all for moving the Fibbies out of D.C., but what did Alabama do to deserve this unwarranted intrusion?
I would propose Fairbanks Alaska as the proper relocation option, not because I have anything against the Fairbanksians or Alaska in general, but if anyone can think of a place where these bloodless fucks can better stay out of trouble, I’d be glad to hear it.
Also, I like the idea of Fibbies freezing their asses off for nine months of the year, and living in total darkness for the same period.
Besides, Alaska needs the jobs that such a move would bring.
Alaska? Nope …… I hear Mars is nice this time of Year.
You don’t think Guam? Or, since Sniffer Joe seems to think that Ukraine is US territory, what about Kyiv?
In a big, open tent in the middle of the Sahara, no AC of course.
No fence to keep the carnivores out, and of course it will all be a gun free zone.
Mogadishu, Somalia.
I think south Alabama would be great! If they thought DC was hot and humid in the summer, wait until they get a load of the Gulf Coast. Plus all us southern rednecks could keep an eye on ’em…
If we really want to give a remote economy a boost, I’d say put them somewhere that there’s absolutely nothing and let them start from scratch with a minimum budget.
I’m gonna go with a location about halfway between Colgan and Appam, North Dakota on US 85 (plop down the Giggle Maps goombah anywhere in there and look around). It’s just about the definition of “middle of nowhere”, but still in the CONUS. Plonk down about a dozen leaky, drafty, WWII-surplus Quonset huts, give them the slowest dial-up ‘net connection possible (last time I was through there was no cell service, and don’t let them put up a cell tower), and let ’em figure out their own housing.
See how many of those Stasi-wannabe’s are willing to make the move.
Cairo, Illinois.
If you’ve been through Cairo in the last couple of years, you’ll know what I mean.
In DC area, they get nice schools, good homes, 25% locality pay bonuses, performance bonuses and auto promotions out the ass; now move them to Cairo, cut the staff by 40% and start them all out at GS-9 and make them compete for their jobs every year, preferably in a Battle Royale at the Cairo Armory.
They can do it PPV and use the money to fund the best lawyers in southern Illinois, cuz they’re gonna need them.
To add to Blackwing1 –
ALL of the ‘company cars’ are to be USED EV’s and only ONE charging station
for the ENTIRE entity. If a ‘car’ gets ‘stuck’ somewhere, tough, – start pushing !
The ‘company planes’ ( jets etc ), ALL of them are to be replaced with Waco by-wing, YES just ONE, that is, hopefully, airworthy. If you keep your noses clean
for a few years, we MAY find another one but that is a long way down the road.
ONE break room for the whole bunch and draw straws to see who had to bring in
the DAILY ice block for the fridge.
All the above are good, but whimsical, suggestions but the only one likely to be implemented is Rep. Jordan’s because:
1. It’s from a guy with some power, and
2. It would be expensive and therefore offer opportunities for graft.
How about proposing a broader location rule for the feds: Put ’em where their customers are.
For example, the U.S. Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board (CSB) shows up at the scene of spills, explosions, etc. to investigate what went wrong, write a report, and issue recommendations for improving safety. Their headquarters are on Pennsylvania Avenue in D.C.
But where is the chemical industry? It’s all over but the heaviest concentration is in an arc along the Gulf from Mobile to Corpus Christi.
Where is the expertise in safety? Arguably it’s at the Mary Kay O’Connor Process Safety Center at Texas A&M College Station, about the middle of the arc of the industry. (Ms. O’Connor was an Aggie chem eng grad killed in an explosion at a Phillips polyethylene plant near Houston. Settling the resulting law suit against Phillips funded the Center.)
Where should the CSB be? It should somewhere convenient to an airport and College Station. That puts it within driving distance of the center of consulting expertise they might need and (at a wild guess) 20% of the chemical industry.
Will the move happen?
Will pigs fly?
Well, if the Fibbies are all about crime, they should technically be located in South Side Chicago or East L.A. — too expensive — so maybe West Memphis, OK or East St. Louis, IL?
In those areas the crimes, except for felon in possession and drug crimes, are state offenses, not federal.
Where is the hot spot for federal crimes? D.C.? The financial district in NYC? Every Democrat city hall? Anywhere Hunter is? So many target rich options!
Alaska sounds good, but nowhere near Anchorage, Fairbanks, or Juneau.
Shemya Island has a runway, and used to get regular service (WX cooperating) from Wien-Alaska.
And, they’re not very far from Attu – and, you can (almost) see Russia!
I live in Alabama; I’d prefer FBI HQ to be relocated in Hell. I sure as **** don’t want ’em here.
That was kinda my suspicion.
Oh, and you can say “fuck” or even “hell” in my Comments.
I live in Fairbanks…we sure as hell don’t want those losers. We’ve got enough trouble already with two woke ass military bases in town. Send ‘em to Jersey.
For the FBI? The 5D Solution. Disarm, Disestablish, Disperse, Dismiss, and Deny. Take the guns away, disestablish the organization, disperse the working-level personnel, dismiss the supervisory personnel, and deny all former LEO privileges.
As a GENERAL principle, I’m a supporter of dispersing the entire Federal bureaucracy. All over the country. The problem being that the base closures and selloffs of the 1990s got rid of a lot of places where people could have been sent. And dispersal won’t come cheap. But I think it would be worth it.
I have two suggestions: Kiska or Attu.