Search Results for: salma hayek

And They Want To CURE This?

Health

Now I’ve heard everything.

Sexsomnia is a condition that causes people to engage in sexual activity while their brains are technically asleep. This can include masturbation, groping, sexual vocalisation and attempts to initiate sex with a partner.

Although sexsomnia is an uncommon condition, it’s unclear how many people suffer from the sleep disorder. It is believed to affect three times more men than women  [I bet it does  — K], however many people are unaware they suffer from the disorder; while others are ashamed to admit they have it.

Studies estimate that roughly seven percent of the global population experience it at least once, and many typically cannot remember what they did in deep sleep and many are ashamed of it.

Ashamed?  Of an involuntary condition?  What is the matter with these people?

Let’s be honest, here.  “…roughly seven percent of the global population experience it at least once”, and let us assume, as with most distribution studies of this type, that in a subset of that 7%, a vast number of these incidences are around the “once” frequency.

Which, in a global population of (say) 5 billion adults is about as close to zero as makes no difference.

In other words:  it ain’t gonna happen to you.

And if it does, if you’re in bed with (say) Paige Spirinac or Salma Hayek as opposed to Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi (sorry), it’s more of a blessing than a curse.  Or with your wife or girlfriend, or any woman who, on experiencing these nocturnal gropings, is not going to accuse you of rape (for, lest we forget, an involuntary/unconscious act).

I leave it to my individual Lady Readers as to their response to this hypothetical situation — knowing some of them as I do, my guess is that they will greet excuses of “But it’s my sexsomnia!”  with scorn if not actual violence, bless ’em.

Or they’ll get into the spirit of the thing and joyfully participate.  [checks for pigs flying past the window]

The only reservation I have is with the research methodology.  No way has this been observed, so to speak, in a controlled laboratory setting;  rather, of course, it depends on respondents’ experiences and memories — and when it comes to les questions sexuelle, most people lie like Clintons.

So ignore all the above;  and if you do suffer from sexsomnia, relax and enjoy your problem.

Let Freedom Ring

Gratuitous Chick Pics

…or to be more specific, Let The Girls Swing.  Some middle-aged tart thinks that British women should be more like their French counterparts when it comes to going topless:

British women, after all, still get remarkably hot and bothered over the concept of being ‘beach body ready’, as if the very idea of displaying the female form is inherently sexist or objectifying. 

At that time, I had lived in France for 14 years and, in my view, British women rather overthink all this, while the French just get on with topping up their tans. 

Let’s not even talk about American women’s attitude to the above topic.  The Puritan spirit lives on…

As a red-blooded heterosexual man, I could easily smirk and urge Teh Wimmens to follow the suggestions of Miss Brick, because anyone familiar with these pages knows that I am an unashamed admirer of les seins impressionnants, as witnessed by my frequent paeans of praise for this part of the female anatomy as personified by proud breast-bearers such as Salma Hayek, Nigella Lawson, Carole Vorderman et al.

I think you get the picture(s).

I also know that there are the Fussy Ones out there — the people who might whine that if toplessness were to be confined to such as the above, everything would be dandy.

“But FFS Kim,” they say, “there are an awful lot of women out there who shouldn’t be displaying their uncovered frontage!”

I say this:  if in the name of our Second Amendment freedoms I can put up with ugly-ass guns like Glock or H&K, then we men should be similarly accommodating to the occasional sight of, shall we say, less than ideal examples of womanly pulchritude.

In other words, to quote Derek Robinson, just relax and enjoy your problem.  I also say that if we get the chance to see things like this:

…we should accept the fact that we will occasionally be exposed to this:

You may call it whatever you want, but I just think of it as

,,,and we all know how important that is, n’est ce pas?

In fact, for the month of July, all Caption Competitions will feature pictures of naked women.  That’s how strongly I feel about it.

News Roundup

Bad News

Speaking of fresh meat, there’s news from The Great Cultural Assimilation Project©:


...I’m thinking:
followed by: 


...and the same as above for whoever signed off on his release.


...and in other news on NPR, Hitler commits suicide.

Some SEX NEWS:


...because of course they are.  Can hardly be worse than the real thing.


...or, as the old advert goes, “UNION — OUI” Of course, they’d only be messing up the Paris Olympics, so


...and the people are sad:


...and her answer is always:  “I just use Scotch instead.”


...more like Dubai-on-Thames, but we’ve talked about that before.

In local news:


...and about damn time, too.  However, the full court will no doubt override the panel.
#9thCircuitAreCommies.

Then from the Department of Education:


...I’m guessing because that if he could, he’d be too old for her.


...I can’t decide whether “witch” is more objectionable than “genderqueer”.  Taken together, of course, there should be a hanging.  Of whichever school official thought this was a neat idea.

Time for some EVERYBODY PANIC!!!! News:


...note:  “could”.  Or… “probably won’t”.
#WeaselWordAlert

And for some totally

    

...not Salma Hayek?  Then nobody cares, honey.

And in our stroll down :


...did somebody say “LINGERIE”???

And that’s the news covered.

Old Broads

Gratuitous Chick Pics

You know, when I were a lad, women in their late 50s looked like old women:  they wore old lady clothes and shoes, their hair was gray, they did things like knitting and sewing, baked cakes and stuff for their grandkids… you get my drift, I think.

Well what then, to make of these old broads?  (links in the pics)

Salma Hayek, 57

I mean, if you look closely at her hands, you can see she’s no spring chicken.  But who the hell looks at her hands?

Then there’s Item #2 on this little list:

Shania Twain, 58

Apparently, Our Shania has recently discovered the joy of walking around the house naked.  (you may go off and take that heart pill, now)

Finally — and I could do this for ages, but I have to end this sometime — there’s:

Liz Hurley, 58

Well, we know all about her, of course.

Another gin, Kim?  I think so.  I don’t think it’s healthy to take so many heart pills in a row.

Kim’s Garage

Drive Time

No of course it doesn’t exist — for one thing, I’m not a zillionaire like Harry Metcalfe, and nor have I been a petrolhead like Harry for decades.

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t (and who wouldn’t?) like to have a 10-car garage like Harry’s, filled with all my dream cars.  The only question:  could I keep it to only 10?  Let’s have a look, and they’re not in any order of preference.

Firstly, Longtime Loyal Readers will not be surprised by any of the cars in my garage, because they’ve heard me bang on about them for years.  So I’ll start with the most-frequently-mentioned ones:

1972 Dino 246 GT

Okay, honestly:  it was Ferrari’s first attempt at an entry-level Ferrari — Old Man Enzo didn’t even want to badge it as a Ferrari, at first — and it’s not really a very good drive, by Ferrari standards.  The gear shift is clunky and the clutch needs Lou Ferrigno muscles to work if you’re driving it in stop-start traffic. But:  it is to my mind, and to the minds of many others, one of (if not the most) beautiful cars ever built.  And if like me you will occasionally say, “The hell with function;  what about the form?” then you’re not going to quibble (kinda like Salma Hayek’s inability to make a decent fish ‘n chips:  who cares?).

The same is true of the next one in Kim’s Garage:

1966 Jaguar E-type Series 2 Speedster

Yes, I’d probably prefer to have the resto-modded Eagle version, but truthfully, I don’t care.  And this car needs no justification, because E-type.

2001 BMW Z8

BMW’s successor to the 1959 Model 507, it’s one of the very few “modern” (made in the 21st century) cars that made me catch my breath the minute I saw it for the first time.  As did the next one:

2015 Maserati GT

It has a Ferrari 4.7-liter V8 engine, and looks to put Lollobrigida in the shade;  what’s not to worship?  But enough of the youngins.  Let’s go back in time a tad…

1954 Mercedes 300 SC

Quite possibly one of the best cars Mercedes has ever built.  The engineers were told to design a car that could cruise at top speed all day on the autobahn without ever suffering a mechanical breakdown of any kind.  So they did.  (I’d even accept the larger 300 S sedan model of the same year — same car, really.)

1967 Austin Healey 3000 Mk III

Yeah I know:  oil leaks, Lucas electrical system, blah blah blah.  Don’t care, I love it dearly.  As I do the next sports car:

1970 Alfa Romeo Giulia GT Junior

Alfa pura.  Tiny, raucous, spunky and glorious.  Like the next one.

1966 Mini-Moke

Not the modern electrical one;  this is the underpowered runaround with the famed Mini 850cc engine;  famous, that is, for being the engine that when you put your throttle flat to the floor:  nothing happens.  And speaking of underpowered runarounds;  if I couldn’t find the older Austin Moke, then I’d get a decent substitute:

1960 Fiat 500 Jolly

Just the wicker seats alone make this worth the price of admission.  But let’s get serious, now…

1976 Mercedes 450 SEL 6.9

The Q-ship of the Mercedes line, with a standard W116 frame that concealed a roaring 6.9-liter V8 monster under the hood.  What the 1954 Merc engineers would have designed if they’d had the technology.  (In today’s money, it cost the equivalent of $195,000 back then.)  This, and the ’54 300 SC would be my “refined” drives.

At some point, I have to acknowledge that several of the sports cars listed above would be, shall we say “occasional” drives, the occasions being that they were actually working and not in the shop.  So for the last one, I’m going to go for reliability above all.

1994 Honda NSX

It’s the sports-car equivalent of the two Mercedes on the list:  reliable to a fault, but with all the grunt I’d ever want or need.  And it’s not bad looking, either.  (I don’t like the more recent model NSX because it’s pig-ugly and vulgar.)

 

Conditions

Immigration

Here’s a headline that got me thinking:

The state of Michigan is reportedly pushing a program offering citizens $500 a month to take in migrants.

The program, called the Newcomer Rental Subsidy, is set to provide shelter outside state shelters for “refugees.” The assistance would be available to homeowners for up to a year.

Were I not living in a tiny apartment in Texas but in a large-ish suburban house in Michigan, I might be tempted to take the Idiot State up on its offer.

I know, I know;  but run with me on this one.

Of course, there would be (several non-negotiable) pre-conditions for my acceptance, such as:

  • Only single females aged between 25-40
  • Unmarried / not engaged / no boyfriend
  • No children
  • Close resemblance to Salma Hayek
  • Must be prepared to teach me Spanish, starting with conversational topics such as “Please undress me now”, and phrases of that nature
  • Must know how to cook meals not just Mexican. e.g. steak, eggs and chips, toasties etc.
  • Must accept “cash tips” for services rendered around the house, e.g. laundry, ironing, massages and other personal services

…I think you’re getting the picture.

Otherwise, of course, the state could stick it up its ass.