Mother’s Wisdom

 

So maybe yer Mom wasn’t so wrong when she told you that if you touched yourself, you’d go blind. Although in this case, it wasn’t wanking, but shagging:

A man had to go to hospital after becoming blind in one eye when he orgasmed too hard during sex, research has revealed.
According to a paper in the British Medical Journal the ‘29-year-old man presented to the emergency eye clinic reporting an obstruction in the central vision of his left eye, which he had noticed on waking that morning’.
Doctors guessed that the man performed a Valsalva maneuveur, in other words the tensing of abdominal muscles, straining and holding your breath, in which air is forced against a closed windpipe and pressure increases in the chest.
This pressure resulted in the popping of blood vessel in the eye of the unfortunate man after an episode of ‘vigorous sexual intercourse’, doctors concluded after speaking to him, the study said.
‘The diagnosis was unclear and the patient was asked to return for follow-up three days later.
‘At this visit, he saw a different clinician who asked direct questions about the patient’s sexual activity.
‘The patient then reported an episode of vigorous sexual intercourse on the evening preceding the onset of symptoms. This directed history led to the diagnosis of postcoital valsalva retinopathy. Valsalva retinopathy is managed conservatively and is a self-resolving condition with an excellent prognosis.’

In other words, relax and enjoy your problem. But that wasn’t the only interesting thing about this episode.

Haematologists have also found Valsalva manoeuvre can also produce memory loss.
The intense pressure in the brain’s blood vessels resulted in temporary lack of blood flow to the central part of the brain, which in turn, resulted in amnesia, a 1998 study found.
The Valsalva manoeuvre is thought to cause global amnesia in one person in 10,000 and in one reported case, the manoeuvre lead to a ruptured blood vessel in a patient’s neck.

This may be why you can’t remember her name the next morning, but good luck telling her it’s Valsalva; she’ll probably retort that you didn’t use any lube. You bastard.

Women seem to have no sense of humor about this kind of thing.


Afterthought:  When did “orgasm” become a verb? Or did I just miss the memo (again)?

Good Question

Ripped from the headlines:

“When does the meter stop ticking?” asks millionaire 
The money allowed [his ex-wife] to buy a £2million home in Cheshire… and a holiday villa in Mallorca and she also gets £175,000-a-year personal maintenance for life.

One would think this harpy would be satisfied with this generous settlement; but noooo:

Mrs Waggott however claims she did not get enough from the financial package and wants her yearly payments increased by £23,000.
Her lawyer James Turner QC argued that she is entitled to an ongoing share of her husband’s earnings, as she helped him build his career by supporting him and the family on the home front.
He told the court the question of whether she is in financial ‘need’ is irrelevant, and urged the judges to concentrate instead on the issue of ‘fairness.’ He said: ‘A wife in her position, who has supported the husband through the early stages of a career during a 21-year relationship, should be entitled to a share of the fruits of that career, irrespective of ‘need’ in the conventional sense.

And this, m’lud, is why most people want to see lawyers flayed and crucified. Ditto greedy and rapacious gold-digging ex-wives.

But It’s Wrong When We Do It

Here’s an interesting survey:

Career women in Britain and the US are paying £150 an hour for sex with male escorts and are happy to splash out thousands if they stay for the weekend
Men were thought to be the primary market for male escorts, but now women are the major employers of male escorts in the UK
Women who buy sex are usually in their 30s and 40s and professional
Some say they’re ‘too busy’ for relationships as they prefer to focus on work
But, unlike men, they want more than intercourse: like a drink or meal before sex

Of course, when we men do this kind of thing with female escorts (i.e. prostitutes), we’re “exploiting women”, “treating women like meat” etc. etc., ad nauseam.

Someone remind me: when will the Cherry 2000 sexbot become available?

Foolishness

Under “Feminist Harpy” in the dictionary, you’ll find this picture:

Why? Because of this insane demand:

Mother demands her son’s school take Sleeping Beauty off the curriculum because the princess doesn’t give consent to be kissed and woken up by prince
Sarah Hall, from Northumberland Park, North Shields, claimed the fairytale promotes an ‘inappropriate sexual’ message to young children.
She argued the story is irresponsible because it teaches children it is acceptable to kiss women while they are asleep.
The mother of two said: ‘I think it’s a specific issue in the Sleeping Beauty story about sexual behaviour and consent.
‘It’s about saying is this still relevant, is it appropriate?’
Ms Hall is worried about what message the tale, which features a Prince waking up a Princess by kissing her, sends to impressionable youngsters.

Neither Prince Charming nor Sleeping Beauty were available for comment — because they’re fucking fictional characters.

Medical Alert

Just in time for those winter sniffles comes this news:

A man claimed that masturbating cleared his sinuses – and doctors said he was right.
Skyler, a husband from Arizona, said that when he couldn’t fall asleep due to his stuffy nose, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
He appeared on the show The Doctors where the professionals broke down the science behind his X-rated trick. They explained that during an orgasm the muscles contract around the body, including inside the nose, which can temporarily relieve sinus pressure for both men and women.
Research has shown orgasms can also help with the immune system, insomnia, stress, pain and overall help live longer.

So I have only one thing to say:

By the way, I have no idea whether this miracle cure works for women.

(As my friend Patterson once said: “Women have orgasms? They’ll be wanting the vote, next.”)

No Prompting Needed

According to that bastion of democracy, the United Nations, today (October 11) is the International Day Of The Girl, in which we need to “raise the awareness” (that fucking phrase again) of the struggle facing young women all over the world.

My initial suggestion would be to expel all Muslim-run countries from the United Nations, as most of the problems facing women in general can be attributed to those countries’ 9th-century attitudes towards our lady friends.

However, I’m all for raising awareness of the plight of young women, so let’s catalog a few desperate cases:

I mean, if this hapless girl has to drive a Gremlin to work every day, can any decent man be unmoved at her plight? And consider this poor girl’s situation:

Imagine having to navigate through the world every day on those awful shoes, with that superstructure throwing her off balance at every tottering step?

Then we have this unfortunate girl, who it appears has no home and is forced to sleep on the beach:

And finally, spare a thought for this impoverished child, who lives in a filthy back alley and can’t even afford clothing:

Consider your awareness (amongst other things) raised.