Knight To Queen 4 Play

Seeing as we’re already on the topic (see next post below), you just have to know you’re in for a few laughs when an article begins with these words:

“The point of this article is to shamelessly up your orgasm quota..”

Race quotas, gender quotas, LGBTOSTFU quotas, and now orgasm quotas. Do we need any of these anymore?

Anyway, those are the seven things that Tracey Cox [sic] suggests “will guarantee an orgasm EVERY time”.

I am not an expert on these matters, but I have to tell you that in my somewhat checkered experience, a couple of them will guarantee not an orgasm but raucous laughter or the services of an osteopath. What’s needed in those cases are a good strong pulley setup and an ostrich feather, maybe two.

I will concede, however, that one of her suggestions is a 100% slam-dunk, every single time.

(And no, I’m not going to tell you which one. You can find it for yourself, just like I had to.)

Jump Start

Apparently it’s quite easy to restore a woman’s libido:

Zaps to the ankle may boost a woman’s libido more than foreplay: sending electrical signals from the foot to the base of the spine can cause arouse in less than 30 minutes

Knowing that my Loyal Readers are often of a DIY disposition, however, I would caution y’all before you try this on your girlfriends / wives / FWBs with your own equipment, such as this:

…or this:

The effect on yer beloved may be a little more, ummm extreme than you may have been expecting.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

For my Lady Readers:  don’t even go there.

And a final thought: 30 minutes? If you can’t get yer old lady started with 30 minutes of traditional foreplay, you either need to update your technique or else check her pulse.

Sexy Genarians

Oh good grief, here we come again:

Sex is best in your SIXTIES: Survey finds 66-year-olds are the most satisfied in bed – and sex therapists say it makes sense
The eighth annual Singles in America survey was taken by more than 5,000 single people in the US.
It found single women are having the best sex at 66 years old and men at 64.
Sex therapist Dr Madeleine Castellanos said lovemaking is more fulfilling for single men and women in their 60s because they are experienced, they know what they want and are free to explore the dimensions of their sexuality.
While many think younger people have a better time knocking boots, the recent survey revealed it actually gets better with age.
In fact, a study published by National Commission on Aging found women, in particular, said sex in their 70s was at least as satisfying or more satisfying physically than it was in their 40s.

As someone who’s in his sixties, I’ll let you know as soon as it happens. (Actually, that’s a lie: I never talk about my sex life, such as it is, because I can’t imagine anything more boring.) I would imagine, however, that having a little knee-trembler with any of the following sexagenarians might be quite fun:

Cherie Lunghi:

Lynda Carter:

Sela Ward:

Marina Sirtis:

Jane Seymour:

Dana Delany:

…and finally, Kim Cattrall:

Swinging sixties, indeed. And if none of the above caused at least some parts of your body to tingle, you’re in deep trouble, buddy, regardless of your age.

Oh, and just to be inclusive, a token trio of sexagenarian men for my Lady Readers:

Liam Neeson:

Chris Noth:

…and Kevin Costner:

Or did I get this last lot wrong, Ladies? (I have no idea what men are attractive to women, unless I know the size of their bank balances. Then, I’m infallible.)

 

 

Goodbye, Girls

Looks like Formula One is joining the Pussification Parade:

Walk-on grid girls were axed from Formula One today as the motorsport followed the move within darts to get rid of glamour women. F1 bosses said they will no longer use grid girls from this current season which starts in Australia in two months’ time because it is not in keeping with their ‘brand values’.

Formula One’s “brand values”, you assholes, are money, money and money. And seeing as you’ve already eliminated tobacco sponsorship, why stop there? How about booze? (Oh wait… Williams-Martini would have to go too.)

As a Formula One fan of well over half a century, I hope you all go broke, you pandering fuckwits.

And speaking of money, girls like these will now be out of a job:

First they made the engines quieter (too quiet), now they’re getting rid of the grid girls. Without noise and scenery, what’s left is watching a group of multimillionaire drivers in cars owned by billionaires as they parade quietly around a circuit where the ticket price starts at $100.

What’s left for a man to watch? NASCAR? (Note the comments under this one…)

It’s enough to make a man reach for a drink at 6am… or has that been banned too?

Stranger Than Fiction

Ripped from the headlines comes this beauty:

Ron Jeremy is BANNED from porn awards in Las Vegas amid sexual assault allegations

Wait a minute… in an industry which is the very manifestation of sexual exploitation of women, one of its leading performers is being castigated for groping?

No wonder The Onion is going out of business.


An aside: shows you how out of touch I am. I’m in Vegas right now, and never knew there was a porn convention going on. And in case you’re wondering: I’m sticking to the gun thing at SHOT.