“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I’ve recently been reading about something called ‘andropause’, which is apparently something like women’s menopause.
“Should I be worried about this? I’m nearly 60.”
— Apprehensive, Ohio
Dear Appy,
Back when we used fewer pretentious words, we called this “getting old”. It happens to every man — even to Clint Eastwood — and it manifests itself in your body being less able to do the things it could once do quite easily: lift heavy objects, run up stairs without feeling like your heart is going to give out, pee like a racehorse, grow hair on your head, see anything clearly at any distance without cataracts and.or glaucoma, and worst of all, have an erection pretty much on demand.
All this is pretty irritating because to be honest, you can’t stop it happening. You can try to delay the process by doing foolish things like going to the gym or taking up jogging, but it’s a lost cause; Nature is rightly regarded as female because she’s a cast-iron bitch and she hates men.
The worst part of all of this is that with this cessation of manly activity (“pause”, my ass) comes feelings of inadequacy, of having passed your prime (because you have) and knowing that your dreams of bonking some young hottie have vanished because a.) you’ve become invisible to hotties except to those with daddy issues and b.) even if you did miraculously manage to entice her to your bed the experience would likely be humiliating.
Nothing causes in-bed passion to disappear quicker than an attack of uncontrollable diarrhea, as my old buddy Patterson once explained to me. And the drooping phallus before said attack didn’t exactly help matters, he added.
This is why old men become irritable. They get upset over kids playing on their lawn, over their food being burned, over their favorite beer suddenly disappearing from the supermarket, and over the failing eyesight which causes hitherto-enjoyable trips to the gun range to become yet another failure among so many others, e.g. not remembering the name of the actress who once got your hormones racing and your erection to skyrocket.
And we haven’t even started to talk about Democrats.
Yes, it’s fucking depressing. And typically, we don’t talk about it because we’re men and not women. What we do is make bitter jokes about it, like the Rules For Old Men:
- Don’t make long-term investments (including buying green bananas)
- Never trust a fart
- Never waste an erection.
I have a cure for all of this by the way, and it’s called “Fuck It”. Here are some examples.
- If you can no longer hit the bullseye with your favorite rifle at 500 yards, move the target (much) closer and use a .22 instead.
- Take a daily dose of Viagra (sildenafil), which may cause other physiological problems but so what — erections are more important than any of those, right? Believe it or not, the ability to get an erection is more psychologically beneficial than people realize — and it’s a lot more effective than uppers or “mood adjusters” (as pushed by Big Pharma).
- Accept that your looming death will not be a tragedy, but a blessed relief. (It may well be a tragedy to your loved ones, but that’s not really your problem anymore, is it?)
- Ignore all doctors, because they’re a bunch of killjoy busybodies and their advice, if not generally wrong, is usually going to require that you give up life’s little pleasures like warm buttered bread, single malt Scotch or red meat.
- Forget all regrets. In most cases, you can’t do anything about missed opportunities — seduction of your hot neighbor from twenty years ago didn’t happen then, and it ain’t gonna happen now — and continually kicking yourself about not having bought Microsoft or Apple stock back in the late 1970s when it cost $2.25 a share is as counterproductive as wishing you’d never married that bitch in the late 1970s as well. Let it go.
- Don’t worry about the fact that you may be dead when the Glorious Day comes and the Commies are being lined up against the wall. I know, that sucks: nobody wants to gun down Commies more than I do. But if that wonderful opportunity escapes me because I’ve already moved to a dirt condo, at least I know that I’ve left enough ammo to my heirs so they can do the job for me.
- Watch lots of porn, not because it turns you on but because it pisses off people like women and other Puritans. Also, unlike regular movies, you don’t have to remember any of the performers’ names when talking to your buddies at the bar or VFW.
- Carry a gun, everywhere. Make your assailant’s life miserable, even at the cost of your own. You are no longer able to brawl like you used to, so let John Moses Browning or Sergei Kalashnikov help you out instead.
- Forget trying to learn stuff, other than for the sheer joy of acquiring knowledge. Chances are you’re going to forget the details anyway, and in all probability, all the learning you’ve acquired so far will be more than adequate for your needs from now on.
- Ignore everything that anyone from government tells you. It’s either a blatant lie, or else it’s wrong. If someone from the Census Bureau wants you to fill out some form which tells them all about you and your life, tell them to fuck off. If some apparatchik demands that you show them some document or other, tell them you lost it.
- Be prepared to accept the consequences of all the above advice.
I could go on, but I think the point has been made.
— 
...the only relevant apology being: “I’m sorry I ever dated you.”
