For men or women:
- The seaside (where you’ll soon discover why sandpaper used to be made with beach sand)
- Lena Dunham’s bedroom
- Any public restroom
- On an active movie set or at a frat house party (pretty much the same thing, nowadays)
- Harvey Weinstein’s hotel room
Your suggestions in Comments. Extra points if it’s a place where you actually had sex for the first time.
So not only can sex make you blind, the Daily Mail reports, it can make you deaf as well — or worse:
[B]lindness isn’t the only terrible injury Cupid can inflict. The medical world has recorded a catalogue of romance-related catastrophes that can leave ardent lovers deaf, paralysed, clinically depressed — or even dead.
My favorite of all the woes listed in the article is “lover’s knee”.
Arthritis specialist Dr Robert S. Pinals, of Rutgers University in the U.S., was searching desperately for a cause when he asked his patient about her bedroom habits. ‘Always on my knees,’ she replied.
The patient and her partner had first tried the position a year previously and liked it so much they subsequently indulged ‘several times a day… often on a hard surface,’ reported Dr Pinals.
‘Abandonment of this position was recommended. With some reluctance the patient agreed,’ he reports. ‘Two months later, she said the knee pain had almost completely disappeared.’
I once suffered from massive rug burns after a romp on a bearskin rug, and when we transferred our activities to the bed, the next morning the sheets looked as though I’d slaughtered a small animal in there. [Pro tip: doing it on a bear skin is one of those things, like beach sex, where the concept is far more romantic than the reality. Bear fur is coarse and scratchy. Stick to cotton sheets.]
Of course, sometimes rug burns are a necessary evil:
Of course, that’s not a politically-correct image these days, is it? (Which is why I posted it, duh.)
Ranked in ascending order of awfulness;
- Cold lamp pole (in sub-zero temperatures)
- Hot gun barrel
- Electric socket
- Horse’s ass
- Kathy Griffin (projectile vomit warning)
Your suggestions in Comments, as usual.
So maybe yer Mom wasn’t so wrong when she told you that if you touched yourself, you’d go blind. Although in this case, it wasn’t wanking, but shagging:
A man had to go to hospital after becoming blind in one eye when he orgasmed too hard during sex, research has revealed.
According to a paper in the British Medical Journal the ‘29-year-old man presented to the emergency eye clinic reporting an obstruction in the central vision of his left eye, which he had noticed on waking that morning’.
Doctors guessed that the man performed a Valsalva maneuveur, in other words the tensing of abdominal muscles, straining and holding your breath, in which air is forced against a closed windpipe and pressure increases in the chest.
This pressure resulted in the popping of blood vessel in the eye of the unfortunate man after an episode of ‘vigorous sexual intercourse’, doctors concluded after speaking to him, the study said.
‘The diagnosis was unclear and the patient was asked to return for follow-up three days later.
‘At this visit, he saw a different clinician who asked direct questions about the patient’s sexual activity.
‘The patient then reported an episode of vigorous sexual intercourse on the evening preceding the onset of symptoms. This directed history led to the diagnosis of postcoital valsalva retinopathy. Valsalva retinopathy is managed conservatively and is a self-resolving condition with an excellent prognosis.’
In other words, relax and enjoy your problem. But that wasn’t the only interesting thing about this episode.
Haematologists have also found Valsalva manoeuvre can also produce memory loss.
The intense pressure in the brain’s blood vessels resulted in temporary lack of blood flow to the central part of the brain, which in turn, resulted in amnesia, a 1998 study found.
The Valsalva manoeuvre is thought to cause global amnesia in one person in 10,000 and in one reported case, the manoeuvre lead to a ruptured blood vessel in a patient’s neck.
This may be why you can’t remember her name the next morning, but good luck telling her it’s Valsalva; she’ll probably retort that you didn’t use any lube. You bastard.
Women seem to have no sense of humor about this kind of thing.
Afterthought: When did “orgasm” become a verb? Or did I just miss the memo (again)?
File this under “There ought to be a law”:
UK McDonald’s Run Out Of Bacon
Furious fast food lovers went into meltdown this morning after dozens of McDonald’s restaurants in the UK ran out of bacon.
Customers were unable to purchase popular breakfast items from the menu, including bacon rolls, bacon and egg McMuffins and bacon and egg bagels.
Restaurants in Devon, Essex, West Sussex and Greater Manchester have run out of pork and customers took to Twitter to vent their anger.
As well they should. I think it actually IS a law in parts of the U.S.:
Section 2 Part I:
No restaurant should ever run out of bacon, under penalty of imprisonment for the manager thereof.
I saw it on the Internet; it must be true.
Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, as always:
- “Sorry about your inheritance, kids; but I think I still owe the I.R.S. four million dollars.”
- “I’m not your real father, Jimmy; Harvey Weinstein is.”
- “Kids, I’ve got ten million dollars stashed in a secret account in… urgggglllgh.”
- In your dying delirium, telling Claire you always loved her, when your wife’s name is Patricia.
- “I’ve got a terrible secret to tell you: my whole life, I’ve always voted Democrat.”
Your own suggestions in Comments, as always. Tastelessness preferred.