From Hugh Grant’s mother:
“All Englishmen are permanently two gin and tonics under par. They need two gin and tonics to become human.”
So… I’m English, then? I did not know that about myself.
Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
News Roundup
And speaking of which:
...frankly, if you’re over 50 and still need to be taught about safe sex, you deserve to have your naughty bits rot.
More Health News:
…
And in Economics News:
...and in other news, Gen. G.A. Custer is having issues with the Sioux.
...unexpectedly.
In related Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:
...unexpectedly again, as pounding hailstorms have never been seen before in Texas. [eyecross]
Time for some Easter Festivities:
...as long as the crucifixees are Commies and Greens [some overlap]. we should import that custom to the U.S. immediately. I have a list...
In Sex Wars:
...assuming, of course, that he can put up with all your vapidity, sophistry and childish behavior.
...and just a quick reminder of why:
Moving on to Train Smash News:
...can’t see the problem, as she’s inflicted her offensive music on us for all these years.
And from the cabin of Captain Obvious:
...two words: three strikes.
Also:
...in which we play our popular “Guess The Race” game. Can’t guess?
…quelle surprise.
In matters of 
And in Entertainment News:
…and the world mourns.
And in Sporting News:
I know, I know: “But when’s she going to show us her jugs?“ Read more
“Dear Dr. Kim”
“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I’m an elderly actor, and I’m told that I’m still quite ‘hot’ (whatever that means) and certainly, I seem to have no problem attracting women, in many cases a lot younger than myself.
“In fact, that seems to be my major problem. Many years ago I was more-or-less happily married to a woman who was also quite ‘hot’ — I certainly found her to be so, which was in no small part why I married her — and we had two sons, both now in their middle age.
“The problem really is that when I was a young man, I was quite certainly attractive to women not my wife, and I strayed quite a bit, so to speak, when opportunity presented itself.
“Anyway, when I confessed my indiscretions to my wife, she tossed me out and divorced me.
“All that’s in the distant past, and I’m happy to say that we have remained friends despite all that trouble.
“I kind of wish that I hadn’t got divorced, in fact. While I’ve had no end of willing bedmates since…
“Dr. Kim, what’s your take on all this?”
— Dancer, London UK
Dear Dancer,
Your problem is not that you strayed; hell, when faced with a plethora of warm, moist and willing female pudenda, few men are able to resist that siren call.
Your problem — a rookie mistake, in one of mature years — is that you admitted said indiscretions to your wife. Now that that bullet has passed through the church, so to speak, it remains only for your mistake to be made known to other men, and here’s the advice:
Never, ever admit to your spouse that you inserted your phallus into any extramarital orifice. Unless you are actually caught in flagrante delicto — and by that, I mean in the very act of making the beast with two backs (as a former Shakespearean actor, you are no doubt familiar with the source of the expression) — no man should ever admit to infidelity.
Of course, with modern technology, such a denial may be impossible — ask ex-President “BJ” Clinton — and if the doxy gets pregnant, the same technology may also compel an admission and doom your marriage.
But otherwise, keep shtum and deny, deny, deny. Ignore the advice of (mostly female) agony aunts that you’ll feel better after you’ve got things off your chest or “come clean” [sic]: you won’t, as you discovered. If the conscience thing is that strong in you, the time to exercise it is prior- and not post insertion.
— 
Monday Funnies
Apparently last week’s Funnies were too silly, so today we’ll go all cerebral, with historical references, brain teasers and stuff.
(this may become a series on this website)
And now some interfaith adorableness:
And an exercise in relativity:
Finally: also from last week, there were a few (hundred) moans about the modesty of the ladies’ clothing, so today we’ll make things just a tad racier:
Now off you go to work, and make your own party.
Try not to kill anyone.
News Roundup
And why so many? Try this little tidbit:
...just sayin’.
Some Election 2024 News:
...read the article to see the truth about “Form EL-131”. Then feel the burn...
In Financial News:
...starve the fuckers.
And some International News:
...funny how Commie votes are always “unanimous”, isn’t it?
...let ’em eat bugs; the government apparatchiks, I mean.
... [/Frank Zappa]
In ShowBiz News:
...if they want to add more fantasy to Bond movies, they’ll have to bring in dragons and elves.
And in Health News:
...especially goblins.
…
...and the ad copy writes itself: “Better Woodies, Longer Life!”
From the anals [sic] of Wokedom:
...seems like it was consensual, so I can’t see the problem here. [j/k]
And from the front lines of Sex Wars:
...but of course, he’ll still be on the hook for child support.
#BelieveAllWomen
And in some 
And strolling down 
:
...”thrills”, hey? Let’s have a look:
Yeah, I guess that’s kinda “thrilling” — and the end of the news.
Caption Competition #325
Your ideas in Comments.