5 Worst Ballads Ever Written

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, and all inexplicably popular:

  • MacArthur’s Park — Richard Harris (most obscure and meaningless lyrics ever)
  • All Out Of Love — Air Supply (actually, any AS ballad could be inserted here)
  • Halleluya — Leonard Cohen (maudlin cheesy tearjerker)
  • It Don’t Matter To Me — Bread (beta-male whining)
  • Diary — Bread (the ultimate cuckold song)

No links; I refuse to be party to mass vomiting.

Your suggestions on the topic in Comments.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,
I grew up in a very strict Jewish family, and when I reached my late teens I rebelled against the stupid rules and left home. Eventually, I got a job at a very nice pre-school kindergarten — as it happens, an Orthodox Jewish one — and things were going well. Then I met a man, fell in love and moved in with him.
Guess what happened next? The school fired me for ‘living in sin’! Can you believe it? What can I do now?”
– Shameless, London

Dear Sluttiness:
Let me get this straight: you hated the strict Jewish thing, so you left your family. Then – and I want to be sure I read this correctly – you found a job in an establishment that is the epitome of “strictly Jewish”, run by a group that has some very old-fashioned ideas about things like unmarital sex.

And you wonder why you were fired for shacking up? Can you even spell S-C-H-M-U-C-K? Did you also snack on pork pies and shrimp cocktails during your lunch breaks with the children? (Wouldn’t surprise me.)

The next thing you’re going to tell me is that you plan to compound your schande by suing the school for baseless termination, or some such idiocy.

Forget about it. You’re an idiot. And if your new husband has any sense, he’ll fire you too because morons like you should not be allowed to breed.

— Dr. Kim

5 Worst Pieces Of Advice

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

  • Cops like it when you playfully wave a gun at them during a traffic stop
  • If you don’t like the Republican candidate, vote for the Democrat as a protest
  • The Second Amendment will protect you from arrest if you’re carrying a handgun in New Jersey
  • Not all women are like that
  • Swipe right — hey, you’re in Bangkok; what could possibly go wrong?

Your suggestions in Comments.

Just… Wrong

I saw an article somewhere about people attending some movie premiere (details not important), but what struck me was how the women dressed. Here’s the lissome Heather Graham (47) standing on the left, next to the cute Molly Quinn (25):

(In case there are people out there who are even more clueless about this stuff than I usually am — I actually had to look these two up — Heather was Rollergirl in Boogie Nights, and Molly was Castle’s daughter in the eponymous TV show — neither factoid of which will be relevant to this post.)

Am I the only one who thinks that they should have swapped outfits? Heather’s little mini is cute, but FFS she’s nearly twice her companion’s age. The longer dress would have suited her much better. Also, her legs are too skinny and not that great — Miss Quinn actually has nicer legs (I know, you need a pitchur):

I know all about the female age bias in Hollyweird, and how Women Of A Certain Age Can’t Get The Good Roles Anymore (Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep to the contrary), and therefore the ladies have to look and dress like young girls rather than the mature women they are. Which means you get women making fools of themselves (“mutton dressed as lamb”, as my mom used to say) and frankly, I think it’s nonsense. Case in point: Sophia Loren, outside her movie roles, never showed off her flesh to excess, despite having one of the greatest female bodies evvah (I know, pitchur, shuddup):

Okay, maybe not that one — but note: no “sideboob” or crotch shots (which seem to be all the rage these days [sigh]).

I seem to have lost my thread. Oh well, let’s just say that actresses need to dress their age. Like the septuagenarian Susan Sarandon:

Oh hell, I give up.

5 Worst Headlines To Wake Up To

In ascending order of awfulness:

  • Democrats Take House, Senate And White House In Election Upset
  • Sen. Chuck Schumer Named To Head BATF
  • “Not Guilty” Verdict In Clinton/Obama Treason Trial
  • N. Korean ICBM Strikes Hit San Diego, Miss Seattle, Portland, Berkeley
  • Amy Schumer Married To¬†[your name] After Wild Night In Vegas

Your suggestions in Comments. The more tasteless, the better.