Medical Alert

Just in time for those winter sniffles comes this news:

A man claimed that masturbating cleared his sinuses – and doctors said he was right.
Skyler, a husband from Arizona, said that when he couldn’t fall asleep due to his stuffy nose, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
He appeared on the show The Doctors where the professionals broke down the science behind his X-rated trick. They explained that during an orgasm the muscles contract around the body, including inside the nose, which can temporarily relieve sinus pressure for both men and women.
Research has shown orgasms can also help with the immune system, insomnia, stress, pain and overall help live longer.

So I have only one thing to say:

By the way, I have no idea whether this miracle cure works for women.

(As my friend Patterson once said: “Women have orgasms? They’ll be wanting the vote, next.”)

5 Worst Things To Hear During Sex

…because we’ve already explored the five worst things to hear after sex:

  • “Sorry, I guess my diarrhea hasn’t finished yet”
  • “Can you go a little deeper?”
  • “I think you’re making my genital warts bleed”
  • “I wish I was anywhere else but here right now”
  • “When I said you were tighter than a 10-year-old, that was supposed to be a compliment.”

Your suggestions in Comments. If they were actually said to you (e.g. the penultimate one, in my case), so much the better.

Again

As the movement towards the suppression of humor — i.e. funny jokes, satire and such — seems to be gathering steam, I become more and more determined to resist it. Example:

“Wait: you put a baby into a microwave oven?”
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
“Dunno. I was too busy masturbating.”

More as I think of them. Oh, and by the way: imagine that I had said “Muslim baby” in the above joke. No doubt there would have been convulsions of outrage.

Now imagine that some Muslim academic asshole had told the joke using “Jew baby” instead. Do I hear… crickets?

Absolutely NOT Worthy

The Englishman sent me a link to this delightful interview under the title “We Are Not Worthy”, and we aren’t.

Ignore the dramatis personae of the piece (they’re all Brits, and even I only knew of a couple of them), and just enjoy the masterful invective and juicy insults as Dale Sure takes us through his multitude of satirical (and fake) Twitter personages.

I can but hope to be his student in the future, even if only in the matter of satire and insult. (I refuse to have anything to do with Twatter or Fecesbook. [sp?])

5 Worst Movie Characters

…and I don’t mean the actors playing them, I mean if the movie characters were actual people.

  • Reverend Harry Powell (Robert Mitchum) in Night of The Hunter
  • John Doe (Kevin Spacey) in Se7en
  • DIana Christensen (Faye Dunaway) in Network
  • Tony Manero (John Travolta) in Saturday Night Fever
  • Any character ever played by Alan Alda.

I ignored all the bad guys in slasher movies, because I’ve never seen a slasher movie.

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Fiction Writers

These are the authors who are lionized by the Terminally Pretentious Set, for whom “literary” (a.k.a. boring) writing is met with squeals of delight every time a new offering from the authors below is published. Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

  • Nicholas Sparks — essentially the same story, rewritten twenty times (and counting)
  • Annie Proulx — hates her own character creations, and despises her readers as well
  • Ayn Rand — okay philosopher, terrible writer who should have written textbooks, not fiction
  • Thomas Pynchon — writes the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author in the modern era
  • And special mention: Marcel Proust —¬†wrote the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author before the arrival of Thomas Pynchon.

Your suggestions in Comments.