Tom Parker-Bowles finds the best chippie in Britishland, and it makes me want to go there.
Except Scottishland at this time of year is… well, as put by Combat Controller, who with Doc Russia has just returned from the annual roe deer cull in the Cairngorms: “Cold, miserable, windy and wet.”
Okay, but I’d still like to get to the Sea Salt & Sole at some point. A good fish ‘n chips meal is becoming alarmingly hard to find Over There, at any price. The low price is a bonus.
I really need to visit Britishland again, not just for personal reasons but to do my bit to reverse an alarming trend.
This is the most depressing article I’ve read all week, and it may explain a whole lot about the nation that Britishland has become:
Brits are eating less meat, potatoes and bread than ever before, according to data tracking the nation’s food purchases over the last six decades.
Red meat consumption has plunged by up to 81 per cent since the 70s amid health fears, the steady rise of veganism and growing concerns about climate change.
Then again, perhaps it’s the slow brain death caused by a low-meat / vegan diet that has allowed a nation of skeptics to become a nation of fearful wussies: where the .Britgov can pass a law that makes ownership of cars illegal by a certain date without said .Britgov being sent en masse to the gallows, and where Brits can not only get arrested for posting mean tweets, but allow themselves to be arrested therefor.
But all this has just made me want to add a little something to my morning breakfast (and it’s not a second gin, shuddup):
Excuse me…
…saith Gummint, when it comes to just about every human product or endeavor. Here’s a fresh dose of silliness, from a doctor (another group of busybodies):
Banning junk food won’t stop people eating it, just look at how Prohibition failed! But we DO need new regulations to tackle our poor diet
Oh we do, do we? So banning won’t work, but the softly-softly approach by regulation will achieve the same ends (cf. gun control Over Here, another catalog of failures). Let me continue:
How do you feel about being told what to do, particularly when it comes to decisions around your health? — I want to reach for my 1911.
Most of us, I suspect, think we should be left to make our own decisions (and our own mistakes). — Except for doctors, government busybodies and other foul control freaks
But I also think most of us would accept that there are areas where the government should step in and regulate” — errrr no. Maybe 5% of all human activity might need government oversight, and I’ll entertain arguments from anyone who thinks that 5% is too much.
Anyway, after dealing with the low-hanging fruit (leaded gasoline and cigarettes), Our Good Doctor gets after food.
There’s no way you can ban people from eating junk food — not only is it everywhere but you also have to ensure there are affordable alternatives. — No, “you” don’t. People would prefer to eat Twinkies instead of carrot sticks or oatmeal bars. Leave the Twinkies alone.
But there are lots of things that could be done to nudge our behaviour, many of which Boris Johnson planned to introduce before he fell from power. — and not a moment too soon.
These include the end of BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free) sales on foods high in fat and sugar — their main purpose, after all, is to make you eat more junk food. You rarely see BOGOF (US: BOGO) offers on fresh veg or fish. — errrr that’s because fresh veg and fish are perishables, hello.
Other plans included a ban on adverts for junk food and sweets aimed at children, online and before 9pm on TV. These measures are popular — a YouGov poll found a ban on junk food adverts before 9pm is supported by 62 per cent and opposed by just 17 per cent — but almost all the anti-obesity strategies Boris loudly promoted have been kicked into the long grass. — because they’re unpopular, stupid and bossy. Kinda like Boris. By the way, the same percentage (62%) applies to people who want to reinstate the death penalty in the U.K. No?
With one in five children now overweight or obese when they get to primary school, and the number of obese adults projected to soon outnumber those of a healthy weight within the next five years, there is a desperate need for action. Yes, ban smoking in the young but we also need to be thinking about diet. — If we’re serious about reducing the number of fat people, why not just shoot them all in the street? This would be the most efficient (and, by the way, the least costly) option.
And we just know that Gummint is all about efficiency — except in their own dealings, of course.
Let’s rather just shoot them. On the whole, I’d be happier living among fat people than having Government busybodies peering into my shopping basket.
Not to mention:
Anyone else starting to feel peckish?
It’s interesting how different nations will take the same ingredients, eat them a certain way, and strange looks (or sometimes, gagging noises) will ensue from others who can’t see it being eaten that way.
Take for example Britishland’s favorite, the prawn sandwich:
Most Murkins, at this point, are going “Say what?” while the Frogs are going “Quoi?” (with added lip curl).
Of course, New Englanders eat lobster on bread rolls, so we’re not that far apart — but Old Englanders would look askance at that because for them, lobster is strictly a main course, e.g. the Thermidor:
Back onto the prawn thing, though: even I, a committed Anglophile, have to admit to a little puzzlement at prawn sarnies, accustomed as I am — as are most other Murkins — to seeing shrimp (or prawns, for that matter), in a cocktail or as an appetizer:
All that said, I could see myself eating shrimp on, say, a croissant:
…because a croissant is more like pastry than a prosaic slice of Wonderbread.
Okay, is anyone else starting to feel hungry? For a chip butty (UK’s #2), maybe?
(a.k.a. carbs squared)
Two nations, divided by a common food. [sigh]
It’s enough to put a man off his breakfast gin. (Or is that just my favorite?)
I remember reading this and crying with laughter, many years ago. Enjoy.
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment (**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.)
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
For some reason, I’m really lusting after chili now. I think I’ll make me some. #NoFuckingBeans
Here’s a decent little video about making a decent piece of biltong. The spices and mixes are exactly the same as mine (see below), and the only areas where we differ are that I make much bigger pieces so that the inside is much wetter than his (New Wife likes her biltong very wet), and I don’t use hot chili flakes (New Wife doesn’t like very hot foods).
At the end, the guy exclaims that he can eat biltong all day, like that’s something unusual. If I leave it lying out on the cutting board, New Wife and I can gobble a stick a day, so I have to hide the damn stuff so that we forget about it.
Just remember that when you eat biltong, the dried meat expands in your stomach back to its original size. I ration myself to about 8-12 slices per day. Back in my Army days, I could make a stick last a week, and not lose a pound of weight.
I’m going to make some tomorrow. It’s been a week already since the last lot, and the natives are getting restless.
Ingredients, per 1lb of raw meat: