Seen At The Carwash

I never read celebrity trash [some overlap]  magazines unless I’m in a waiting room and there’s nothing else to read except for magazines that will make me grow breasts just by touching them.  And even then, I page quickly through crap like People, Us and Entertainment Weekly, playing a game with myself as to how few of the “celebrities” I can actually recognize.  (My current score is roughly 5%, and that only because some 70s musicians occasionally make the presses, see below.)

A couple of days ago I was waiting for the Mexicans to finish cleaning my car, and the only magazine to read was (I think) People, and I thought I’d share just a couple samples of their fare:

“I’ve never given 60 seconds of my life to those Housewives of Blah Blah and the Kardashians.  I don’t know their names.”  — Jon Bon Jovi

Me neither.  Well, to be honest, I do know some of the Kardashian coven (Kim, Kris and Kunty), but that’s about it.  But thankfully, all the “real” housewives are a complete blank to me.

Then there is a feature called “5 Things We’re Talking About“… oy.  Here are a couple examples:

1 )  Prince George is taking ballet lessons.  And according to his dad William, “he loves it”.  These, lest we forget, are the two future kings of Great Britain, King Gormless I and the Gay-King Georgie-Boy.  How special.

3 )  Some Australian billionaire is funding the building of a complete replica of the Titanic, only with (and I quote), “more lifeboats and modern navigation equipment”.  Just to be on the safe side, the new Titanic should still operate only in the Southern Pacific because of you-know-what.

There was more, oh so much more, but then Ricardo called out that my car was all done.  Boy, was it ever — it looked brand new.

I gave him a good tip*.  I told him never to read People magazine.  He’ll thank me for it one day.


*Also $10.  He did a great job.

 

Delicious Thought

I read SOTI that there is a better-than-50/50 chance that the bloated and loathsome Hollywood mogul [some overlap]  Harvey Weinstein may not be convicted for #MeToo DoublePlusUngood Sex Crimes after all.

I have no idea if this is true, of course, but should this happen, Evil Kim is cackling his ass off at the probable feministical reaction.

Hasten the day…

5 Worst New-Car Names

Spies Sources tell me that the following names for new car models were once suggested in various countries, but rejected for some strange reason or another.  From bad to worst (and one which was actually accepted):

  • Toyota Vajeena (Japan)
  • Nissan Clitty (Japan)
  • Ford Anil (India)
  • VW Fahrt (Austria)
  • Lamborghini Urus (Italy)

(Actually, both Lambo and  VW have been jointly responsible for some of the worst car names in history, so no surprise that they’re #1 and #2.)

Your suggestions in Comments…

Alternate Universe

We often imagine how things might have turned out if instead of X, we’d done Y or Z, and so on.  Imagine how TV show Gilligan’s Island might have turned out with this cast:

  • Raquel Welch for the role of Mary Ann
  • Jayne Mansfield as Ginger
  • Carroll O’Connor as Skipper
  • Jerry Van Dyke as Gilligan, and
  • Dabney Coleman as the Professor.

Whoa.  In fact, all the above auditioned for those parts in the show, but were rejected.  And here’s Mary Ann in the alternate universe:

For the record, I’ve only ever watched a few episodes of Gilligan’s Island  because boredom, and not since because brain bleed.  With the above cast, I might have been tempted to watch more, and not just because of Raquel.

Here’s an exercise.  Put your favorite modern actors (at any age) into those roles, and imagine how the show would have changed.

Here are my suggestions, by way of example, which I think would have made the show not only more grown-up, but more watchable (and funnier):

  •  Helena Bonham-Carter for the role of Mary Ann

  •  Kate Walsh as Ginger

  •  Bob Newhart as The Skipper

  •  Robin Williams as Gilligan

…but I can’t beat

  • Dabney Coleman as the Professor.

Go on, it’s your turn (and it’s harder than you think).

About Last Night

I think this tweet thread from last year says it all, really:

My standard response when a younger child does the “Trick or Treat?” thing to me is to say:

“I don’t know;  which one do you want me to do to you?”

If I say it loudly enough, it’s generally enough to have a Helicopter Parent come steaming up to the door and snatch Their Precious Child away from me.  Then I throw gumballs at their retreating figures.

News Snippets

Roger Simon finally wakes up and smells the coffee.  Now all he has to do is persuade his hoplophobe rabbi to allow him to carry his piece into the shul.

While the Usual Suspects are squalling once again about gun control after some anti-Semitic asshole kills Jews, they are absolutely silent when a good guy gun owner snuffs out a homicidal maniac.

Our troops are thirsty lil’ buggers.  Good.

Brazil looks set to pivot sharply to the right Sunday with the election of a Trump-type guy who wants to privatize state companies [in an ailing economy], liberalize gun ownership [in the face of ubiquitous violent crime] and mine the rain forest.  Needless to say, the Meejah are clutching pearls and forecasting the Apocalypse.

Some government employee brought several .gov systems crashing down with Russian malware after visiting 9,000 porn sites.