One of my favorite ad campaigns of all time was that of Smirnoff during the 1970s. Basically, the formula was a series of ads using the riff of “I thought or did [x], until I discovered Smirnoff.” Here’s one example:
Other examples include:
- “I thought Cunnilingus was the Irish airline, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought Wanking was a city in China, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought the Salvation Army came from Salvatia, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought a ménage à trois was a French dish, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought crabs meant soft-shell, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought Fellatio was an admiral in the Royal Navy, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
…and so on. The lines could be innocuous like the ones in the pictures, or else as racy as the others listed. Whatever their bent, they were all hilarious, and the theme is actually timeless (the mark of truly great advertising).
Feel free to add your own suggestions on the same theme, in Comments — e.g. “I thought the Clinton Foundation was a charity, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
In response to situations such as this:
Two teenagers have been stabbed to death within days of each other as Britain’s knife crime bloodshed continues.
…a judge in Britishland has come up with a solution:
A judge has called for a drastic rethink on the way we use knives in kitchens in a bid to reduce the number of young men dying on our streets because of knife crime.
And he has come up with an idea for a scheme that could be rolled out across the UK where members of the public could take their kitchen knives to be ‘modified’ and the points ground down into rounded ends.
After all, nobody except a professional chef (trained in its use) has any need for a pointed knife, anyway.
I report, you wet your pants laughing.
The immortal words of Joe Jackson come to mind:
No amount of alcohol, sausage or bacon is safe according to cancer experts
Even small amounts of processed meats and booze increase the risk of a host of cancers outlined in World Cancer Research Fund (WCRF) guidelines updated every decade.
The respected global authority has unveiled a 10-point plan to cut your risk of getting cancer by up to 40%.
Brits have been told to banish favourites such as ham, burgers and hot dogs from their diets by experts who say they are a direct cause of bowel cancer. Processed meats also cause people to be overweight which can trigger many more cancers.
But UK experts have disagreed with the draconian advice insisting the odd bacon sandwich “isn’t anything to worry about”.
The WCRF found boozing is directly linked to increased risk of six cancers and for the first time recommended sticking to water or unsweetened drinks. The report said: “Even small amounts of alcoholic drinks can increase the risk of some cancers. “There is no level of consumption below which there is no increase in the risk of at least some cancers.”
On processed meats it added that “no level of intake can confidently be associated with a lack of risk of bowel cancer”.
Cutting down on steaks and other red meat such as lamb and pork can reduce the risk of bowel cancer.
The WCRF’s 10-point health plan
- Be a healthy weight
- Be physically active
- Eat a diet rich in wholegrains, vegetables, fruit and beans
- Limit consumption of ‘fast foods’ and other processed foods high in fat, starches or sugars
- Limit consumption of red and processed meat
- Limit consumption of sugar sweetened drinks
- Limit alcohol consumption
[last three omitted because irrelevant to my Readers, e.g. breastfeeding]
I guess I’m fucked, then. Oh well. Time for some BBQ brisket, Elgin sausage and sweet iced tea. Or a steak & kidney pie, chips and a pint of London Pride?
If I’m gonna die, I want the doctors to exclaim at my post-mortem, “Bloody hell! How did he last so long?”
There’s no link because the Mirror has the most irritating ads on the planet. I went there so you don’t have to. And fuck their “fair use” guidelines.
From Reader David S comes this observation in email: “I can’t get that pic you recently posted of Sophia Loren out of my mind. Why is that?”
It’s a simple answer, and while Sophia is undoubtedly gorgeous, it’s her unladylike pose which does it. Those carelessly-sprawled legs… the pose is an age-old aphrodisiac to men, and so powerful is its effect that it was only in the modern era that artists could even begin to portray it, e.g. Henri Matisse’s Odalisque Couchée:
…and Egon Schiele’s Reclining Woman:
Now understand me well: I’m not talking about the typical pornographic splayed-leg shots, which remind me of nothing less than a gynecological view of the female anatomy (and Schiele is perilously close to it in the above). But there is something sexy — maybe frighteningly-sexy — when the pose is done properly. And of course, what I’m saying is useless without pictorial evidence, so here we go:
…and of course, there’s Marilyn:
But when it comes to truly erotic, you need a recumbent pose to get the full effect:
…and finally, in a pose which mimics Matisse’s Odalisque, Charlotte Rampling:
Some people find these poses too overtly sexual — “slutty”, as my Mom might have put it — but there’s no denying their attraction. I report, you decide.
So London’s Arsenal F.C. have finally announced a replacement for longtime manager Arsène Wenger. But I’m not interested in the doings of the North London Scum (as we Chelsea fans call them). Here’s the interesting thing. As is customary, the new guy (some Spanish dude, who cares) held up an Arsenal jersey at a photo-op to mark his new allegiance. Anyone see anything wrong with the pic?
Of all the silly advertising… Visit Rwanda? Rwanda?
Let’s just say it’s not on my Travel Bucket List.
Okay, okay… before any pro-Rwandan maniacs get all bent out of shape, let me acknowledge that Kigali was recently voted “Most Beautiful City In Africa”:
…no doubt by the same people who also think that Yemen is a dandy vacation idea. As with all things African, though, you need to step about a hundred yards outside the publicity photos to find the reality:
But hey… go ahead and fly Emirates to Rwanda, be my guest.
Me, I’m thinking about Prague…