Fun With Art

“OMG, so I went to this like, artist’s place ’cause he said he was, like, looking for a model and he was offering like, serious cash. So I get there and he says I have to pose like, nude OMG, but he says he saw my nude pic on the Internet because that bastard ex-bf of mine, like, took those nudies of me with his iPhone? and this artist is all like, it’s Art, not just a boob pic, you know? And he offers me like, double the money and I’ve got these student loans? so I think WTF and I strip off. He starts painting me, and then he’s, like, all OMG you’re so beautiful and he starts looking at me LIKE THAT and I’m just about to get up and leave when he, like starts kissing me and I’m like ewww ewww ewww because he’s like, older than my Dad, you know? I was so grossed out, it was like, sexual harassment? but he gave me $500 for the session so I guess it’s like, okay?”

“OMG that’s exactly what happened to me? only I didn’t go nude and the artist was like kinda sexy, like Brad Pitt kinda, so I didn’t mind too much? Just promise me you won’t like, tell my bf, kay?”

A Day That Will Live, Etc.

Seeing as we’re at December 7, perhaps we should do a little historical review:

I guess we’re all buddy-buddy with the Japanese now; but just as a reminder to the NorKs, let’s review what happened to the people who caused the above explosion not too long afterwards:

General advice: When it comes to the USA, don’t ever mistake “gentleness” for “weakness”… you bastards.

Mother’s Wisdom

 

So maybe yer Mom wasn’t so wrong when she told you that if you touched yourself, you’d go blind. Although in this case, it wasn’t wanking, but shagging:

A man had to go to hospital after becoming blind in one eye when he orgasmed too hard during sex, research has revealed.
According to a paper in the British Medical Journal the ‘29-year-old man presented to the emergency eye clinic reporting an obstruction in the central vision of his left eye, which he had noticed on waking that morning’.
Doctors guessed that the man performed a Valsalva maneuveur, in other words the tensing of abdominal muscles, straining and holding your breath, in which air is forced against a closed windpipe and pressure increases in the chest.
This pressure resulted in the popping of blood vessel in the eye of the unfortunate man after an episode of ‘vigorous sexual intercourse’, doctors concluded after speaking to him, the study said.
‘The diagnosis was unclear and the patient was asked to return for follow-up three days later.
‘At this visit, he saw a different clinician who asked direct questions about the patient’s sexual activity.
‘The patient then reported an episode of vigorous sexual intercourse on the evening preceding the onset of symptoms. This directed history led to the diagnosis of postcoital valsalva retinopathy. Valsalva retinopathy is managed conservatively and is a self-resolving condition with an excellent prognosis.’

In other words, relax and enjoy your problem. But that wasn’t the only interesting thing about this episode.

Haematologists have also found Valsalva manoeuvre can also produce memory loss.
The intense pressure in the brain’s blood vessels resulted in temporary lack of blood flow to the central part of the brain, which in turn, resulted in amnesia, a 1998 study found.
The Valsalva manoeuvre is thought to cause global amnesia in one person in 10,000 and in one reported case, the manoeuvre lead to a ruptured blood vessel in a patient’s neck.

This may be why you can’t remember her name the next morning, but good luck telling her it’s Valsalva; she’ll probably retort that you didn’t use any lube. You bastard.

Women seem to have no sense of humor about this kind of thing.


Afterthought:  When did “orgasm” become a verb? Or did I just miss the memo (again)?

No More Reason Needed

If ever you want to know why Britain’s leaving the EU (“Brexit”) is not only a Good Thing, but absolutely vital, here’s proof:

A change in European Union rules could see doner kebabs banned across the continent, infuriating takeaways and fast-food lovers.
The European Union’s legislature is moving to ban the phosphates used in the slabs of meat at the heart of the popular street snack that originated in Turkey.
Up-in-arms kebab vendors in Germany have skewered the idea.
EU lawmakers are citing health concerns based on studies that linked phosphates to cardiovascular disease.

Just so we’re all clear what’s being discussed here, this is what these tools want to ban:

Lamb Shwarma happens to be one of my favorite “fast foods”; and nobody tell my kids about this or else there’ll be murders (as they say Over Here). Along with pizza and crêpes, doner was one of their staple street foods when we traveled together in Euroland: cheap, filling and delicious; and if these disappeared from Europe, it would be a major disincentive to go there. I’m not kidding.

And if the above pic has made yer mouth start to water, I’m sorry (not really).

 

 

More Doubles

Back in The Englishman’s Castle, his missus is occasionally of the TV-watching persuasion, chief among which is a show about people dancing (called “Strictly Come Dancing”, or among the TV dance-show aficionados, just “Strictly”). I of course can’t watch much popular TV because I have concerns about brain rot, so ordinarily the “personalities” involved with such shows would be as unknown to me as a random Laplander.

However, while trying to overcome jet lag upon my arrival back in Britishland a few weeks back, I found myself watching some BBC morning TV show, hosted by some woman named Holly Willoughby. A short, pretty blonde creature of some thirty-something summers, she has a very distinctive set to her mouth when she smiles, thus:

Anyway, last week I happened to be walking past Mrs. Englishman as she sat watching Strictly, when I suddenly saw this Holly Willoughby judging the contestants. I was about to make a comment about why the BBC or whoever used the same talent for two shows, when I realized that it wasn’t Holly, but some other creature (later named for me by Mrs. Englishman as “Tess Daly”), but I think you can see why I was confused:

Certainly, at a quick glance they seem like twins, and with my fuddled brain I’m sure you’ll understand my situation: marginal interest (at best) + unfamiliar TV shows + similar blondes = Kim’s Confusion.

Anyway, that’s all cleared up now (not that I care, and I’ll probably still get them confused forever), but there’s a sad story attached to Holly.

You see, Miss Willoughby’s nickname was once “Willough-boobies” because, well:

…and in her yoot before she became all Mumsy, she was something of a model:

Of late, however, Holly has tragically fallen prey to Nigella Lawson Syndrome, i.e. she’s lost a whole lot of weight (especially in the superstructure), and is therefore of less interest to Yer Humble Narrator: 

Still pretty, but not sexy. I wish these women would stop doing this nonsense.

Anyway, I’m happy to say that the other subject of this post, Tess Daly, does not have that problem — at least, not as far as I can tell:

…and apparently Tess too was once a model:

So regarding these two lookalike TV personalities, I hope this has cleared the air somewhat.

 

 

 

 

Balance

It occurs to me that of late I may have been giving women a hard time on this here website, and I’ve also been discussing various examples of female pulchritude in my usual drooling Male Bastard fashion, so my Lady Readers may be getting a little ticked off.

Here then, in the interests of balance, is something for said Lady Readers:

I have no idea who he is (British, to judge from the label — “What label?” I hear you ask), so go ahead and just look at him like a sex object.

I owe you all one.

Comments, on this post, are restricted to the Ladies.