5 Worst Places To Lose Your Car Keys

Ranked in order of foulness / inconvenience:

  • inside your mistress’s apartment when you have to get home quickly to take your daughter to her school ballet performance
  • down your kitchen sink when the garbage disposal is running
  • when it’s 1am and you’re inside a parking garage in downtown Johannesburg
  • down a public toilet in Mumbai, India
  • inside a Kardashian.

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Things You Can Say To New Parents

Ranked in order of increasing horribleness:

  • “Why do all newborn babies look like Winston Churchill?”

  • “Where did the red hair come from?”
  • “Well, that’s a relief:  he doesn’t look at all like me…”
  • Now I know why you guys got married so quickly.”
  • (about a baby girl ) “Wow… now that’s what I call a circumcision!”

Your suggestions in Comments…

5 Worst Dietary “Facts”

According to this study*:

  • Lowfat / skim milk is better for you than full-cream milk
  • Saturated fats in your diet will cause heart problems
  • Margarine is better for you than butter or lard
  • Red meat is bad for you
  • The government and health scolds know what the fuck they’re talking about

*Next week, another study will probably come out and disprove this one.  Caveat lector.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a breakfast of steak ‘n eggs (fried in butter).  And a full glass of half ‘n half to wash it down.

5 Worst Life Lessons

Ranked in ascending order of bad:

  • All guns are always loaded.
  • Speaking your mind at your job may make you feel all righteous and stuff, but the boss may not feel the righteousness.
  • Ditto your wife.
  • You will not be respected in the morning.
  • Despite all the hoopla about it, sex with a virgin is terrible, with all that pain and crying, regret and recrimination.  And it’s even worse with a girl.

Your suggestions in Comments.