5 Worst Christmas Golden Book Titles

In ascending order of appalling:

  • “Your Dad Is Actually Santa Claus” by  Ayn Rand
  • “How To Drink Rum Eggnog Like A Grownup” by  Captain Morgan
  • “Getting The Expensive Presents You Really  Want:  A Child’s Guide To Blackmail” by  Stormy Daniels
  • “Santa Claus:  Just Another White Male Oppressor” by  Andrea Dworkin
  • “Jesus Christ:  Jew Bastard” by  Ayotollah Khameini

Your nominations in Comments.

5 Worst Things Santa Said To Your Kid At The Mall

In ascending order of ugliness:

  • “Hurry up and ask, Lakesha, ‘cos Santa’s gotta go pee.”
  • “No, Olivia, I don’t have a hot dog in my pocket.”
  • “Jimmy, could you just scootch up just a little further?  Oh, yes, yes, yessss…”
  • “I’ll get you that bicycle, as long as you don’t tell your momma what Santa just did with his finger.”
  • “No, Freddie, that’s not eggnog on Santa’s pants.”

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst New-Car Names

Spies Sources tell me that the following names for new car models were once suggested in various countries, but rejected for some strange reason or another.  From bad to worst (and one which was actually accepted):

  • Toyota Vajeena (Japan)
  • Nissan Clitty (Japan)
  • Ford Anil (India)
  • VW Fahrt (Austria)
  • Lamborghini Urus (Italy)

(Actually, both Lambo and  VW have been jointly responsible for some of the worst car names in history, so no surprise that they’re #1 and #2.)

Your suggestions in Comments…

5 Worst Ways For A Woman To Break Up With A Man

(Note to my Lady Readers:  I accept no responsibility if you do any of the following.)

Ranked in ascending order of coldness:

  • Arrange a “break-up dinner” at a restaurant, and split his head open with a cleaver when he starts whining and protesting
  • Invite him over so that he arrives while you’re in bed with the New Guy (and bonus points if it’s his apartment that you’re sharing)
  • Tell him you’ve finally decided to have a threesome, only it will be with Roger and Dave, and he’s not invited
  • Send him a nude selfie from your hotel room in Jamaica, said selfie to include the equally-naked (and fully erect) Jamaican pool “boy” in the background
  • Get your mother to give him the bad news. (Bonus points if she’s always hated him.)

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Things To Say During A Traffic Stop

In ascending order of ill-advisedness:

  • “Only 120?  That’s disappointing;  my speedo was showing 135.”
  • “If I give you a sip from my hip flask, will you let me off with a warning?”
  • “I’ll have a hot dog with fries, and a vanilla shake… darlin’.”
  • “Apparently, radar speed guns cause testicular cancer.  I fucking hope so.”
  • “Here:  hold my gun while I look for my wallet.”

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst (Other) People To Think Of While Having Sex

Everyone’s been there (don’t even think of denying it):  you’re making the beast-with-two-backs with your honey and unbidden, someone else pops into your mind.  Here are the five worst / most inappropriate of such, ranked as always in ascending order of foulness:

For the ladies:

  • the Dalai Lama
  • Alan Alda
  • Woody Allen
  • Bill or  Hillary Clinton (tie)
  • Bruce Jenner

And for the guys:

  • anyone from Jersey Shores (the TV show or  the place itself)
  • Milo Yannopoulos
  • your ten-year-old stepdaughter
  • Maxine Waters
  • Caitlyn Jenner

Your suggestions in Comments… when you’ve stopped throwing up, that is.