5 Worst Things About Hitler

Staying with the April 20 theme, and ranked from bad to horriblest:

  • killed his dog with poison
  • is responsible for Godwin’s Law
  • adopted a stupid political philosophy which still influences other statists like Nancy Pelosi and most Western European politicians
  • his even-more stupid anti-Semitism continues to influence assholes like Jeremy Corbyn, about one-third of all Internet commentary, and all of Islam
  • was, unsurprisingly, a strict vegetarian.

Your observations and suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Things To Happen At Your Class Reunion

From bad to absolute worst:

  • The band plays a disco version of Free Bird
  • Your 8th-grade teacher-crush, Mrs. Sullivan, now needs a walker
  • Diarrhea, on the dance floor
  • Finally getting to score with the prom queen from your graduating class, only to discover that she now has dentures and you have erectile dysfunction
  • Realizing that that obnoxious chick from Government class — Hillary… Rodham? — still has a crush on you

Your suggestions (or experiences) in Comments.


5 Worst Song Performances

The song might have been a good one, but the rendition left a lot to be desired. In ascending order of tunelessness (and no links because projectile vomiting):

  • Whiskey In The Jar — Metallica
  • Danke Schön — Wayne Newton
  • Yesterday — every single person except Paul McCartney who ever tried to sing it
  • Tutti Frutti — Pat Boone

…and OMG, in its own special Hall Of Shame For One:

  • My Way — Frank Sinatra

Look up the performances at your own peril.


5 Worst Excuses For Being Late For School

In order of implausibility:

  • “My little sister hid my backpack.”
  • “The dog wouldn’t move away from lying in front of my dad’s car.”
  • “It was the Russians.”
  • “I had a panic attack because Donald Trump is President.”

…and the absolute worst reason for being late for school:

  • “My gym teacher just wouldn’t let me get out of bed this morning.”

Your suggestions in Comments.