Category: The Worst

Ranked in order of awfulness:

• “This is Captain Douglas Corrigan speaking. I don’t know where y’all were expecting to land, but this ain’t it.”*
• “Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that this aircraft can fly quite well on only one engine.”
• “Wait… Hank, I thought you checked the fuel levels before we took off.”
• “Passenger Mohammed Al-Bomba, please identify yourself to a cabin crew member.”
• “Welcome to Bangalore International Airport.”

Your suggestions in Comments. Bonus points if you actually heard them on a flight…

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*do a search on the name.

 

 

Ranked in ascending order of frightfulness:

• [click!]
• “Did anyone see where that wounded buffalo went?”
• “Funny; I could have sworn that there were six lionesses in that pride, not five.”
• “Sorry, man; I forgot the snakebite serum back at camp.”
• “What do you mean, you left all the booze back at the airport?”

Your suggestions in Comments, as always.

 

Ranked in ascending order of foulness, as usual:

• Your ex-wife / ex-husband, accompanied by someone much better-looking than you
• Four old girlfriends / boyfriends (bonus points if it’s your wedding reception)
• A vegan-only buffet
• An Irish folk band on stage
• An alcohol-free bar

Your contributions in Comments.

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, as always:

For men:

• She hates guns
• She worked on Hillary Clinton’s campaign in 2016
• She’s a militant vegan
• She has a really fun story about how she acquired her latest(!!) tattoo
• She owns four cats

(If she checks all five boxes, you may have to kill yourself just to escape the date.)

For women:

• He still lives with mommy
• He’s a Muslim
• He hates guns
• He thinks Trump is literally worse than Hitler
• He has to leave the date early to go to an antifa rally

Your own contributions in Comments. Bonus points if you’ve ever discovered these things on an actual first date.

In ascending order of awfulness:

• A scalpel
• a lock of her old boyfriend’s hair
• …and when you’ve had a vasectomy:
  – a six-pack of condoms, and/or
  – an empty pregnancy test box
• Bill Clinton’s “business” card

Your own suggestions in Comments. And no looking in your wife’s purse, either.

 

 

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• CD box set of “Frank Sinatra: The Vegas Years”
• $100 gift card for Crabtree & Evelyn
• DVD box set of Girls
• “No Meat, Ever: A Vegan Cookbook”
• Divorce papers

Your own suggestions in Comments. Bonus points if you’ve ever actually received any of them.