5 Worst Ballads Ever Written

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, and all inexplicably popular:

  • MacArthur’s Park — Richard Harris (most obscure and meaningless lyrics ever)
  • All Out Of Love — Air Supply (actually, any AS ballad could be inserted here)
  • Halleluya — Leonard Cohen (maudlin cheesy tearjerker)
  • It Don’t Matter To Me — Bread (beta-male whining)
  • Diary — Bread (the ultimate cuckold song)

No links; I refuse to be party to mass vomiting.

Your suggestions on the topic in Comments.

5 Worst Pieces Of Advice

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

  • Cops like it when you playfully wave a gun at them during a traffic stop
  • If you don’t like the Republican candidate, vote for the Democrat as a protest
  • The Second Amendment will protect you from arrest if you’re carrying a handgun in New Jersey
  • Not all women are like that
  • Swipe right — hey, you’re in Bangkok; what could possibly go wrong?

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Headlines To Wake Up To

In ascending order of awfulness:

  • Democrats Take House, Senate And White House In Election Upset
  • Sen. Chuck Schumer Named To Head BATF
  • “Not Guilty” Verdict In Clinton/Obama Treason Trial
  • N. Korean ICBM Strikes Hit San Diego, Miss Seattle, Portland, Berkeley
  • Amy Schumer Married To [your name] After Wild Night In Vegas

Your suggestions in Comments. The more tasteless, the better.

5 Worst Things To Hear After Sex

Ranked in order of awfulness:

For a man to hear:

  • “Did I come? No.”
  • “OMG — is that my husband’s car pulling into the driveway?”
  • “No, my herpes flare-up is completely over.”
  • “Hello? Is that the Campus Rape Counsel Office?”
  • “My name is Lena Dunham.”

For a woman to hear:

  • “Well, I’m never going to buy that brand of condom again.”
  • “I have to go — my wife’s going to wonder why I’m so late.”
  • “To be honest, I preferred your kid sister.”
  • “I thought you’d enjoy anal sex.”
  • “Welcome to the Kennedy Compound.”

5 Worst Children’s Books

Ranked as always in ascending order of awfulness:

  • Games To Play With Daddy’s Hunting Knife
  • What’s That Noise? Explaining Those Scary Sounds That Come From Mommy and Daddy’s Bedroom
  • Daddy Divorced Mommy Because Of You
  • Mommy’s New Boyfriend REALLY Loves You
  • It Takes A Village: Hillary Rodham Clinton

5 Worst Women To Be In An Orgy With


There is a serious public health warning attached to each link in this post.


  • Polly Toynbee (by the way, the link contains a big fat lie — she’s a Marxist, not a “social democrat”, whatever that is)
  • Harriet Harman (a.k.a. Harriet “Harperson”, ’nuff said)
  • Caitlin Moran (like Naomi Wolf above)
  • Diane Abbot
  • Angela Merkel

I was going to publish a companion piece of the five worst men to have an orgy with, but I suspect that most of my choices (from: O.J., Chris Brown, Howard Stern, Anthony Weiner, the entire male cast of Jersey Shores etc.) would probably find favor with quite a few women… [sigh]