5 Worst Deathbed Statements

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, as always:

  • “Sorry about your inheritance, kids; but I think I still owe the I.R.S. four million dollars.”
  • “I’m not your real father, Jimmy; Harvey Weinstein is.”
  • “Kids, I’ve got ten million dollars stashed in a secret account in… urgggglllgh.”
  • In your dying delirium, telling Claire you always loved her, when your wife’s name is Patricia.
  • “I’ve got a terrible secret to tell you: my whole life, I’ve always voted Democrat.”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always. Tastelessness preferred.

 

5 Worst Ways To Begin A Speech

Ranked in ascending order of dreadfulness:

  • “Heil Hitler!”
  • “As the best man, let me start by apologizing to everyone that the groom didn’t show up for the ceremony today…”
  • “Ladies and gentlemen, and those who’ve had the operation…”
  • “Before I start my speech, let me first tell you the joke about the nigger, the Jewboy and the faggot…”
  • “Tonight I want to explain how I lost the election to Donald Trump…”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always.

5 Worst Things To Hear During Sex

…because we’ve already explored the five worst things to hear after sex:

  • “Sorry, I guess my diarrhea hasn’t finished yet”
  • “Can you go a little deeper?”
  • “I think you’re making my genital warts bleed”
  • “I wish I was anywhere else but here right now”
  • “When I said you were tighter than a 10-year-old, that was supposed to be a compliment.”

Your suggestions in Comments. If they were actually said to you (e.g. the penultimate one, in my case), so much the better.

5 Worst Movie Characters

…and I don’t mean the actors playing them, I mean if the movie characters were actual people.

  • Reverend Harry Powell (Robert Mitchum) in Night of The Hunter
  • John Doe (Kevin Spacey) in Se7en
  • DIana Christensen (Faye Dunaway) in Network
  • Tony Manero (John Travolta) in Saturday Night Fever
  • Any character ever played by Alan Alda.

I ignored all the bad guys in slasher movies, because I’ve never seen a slasher movie.

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Fiction Writers

These are the authors who are lionized by the Terminally Pretentious Set, for whom “literary” (a.k.a. boring) writing is met with squeals of delight every time a new offering from the authors below is published. Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

  • Nicholas Sparks — essentially the same story, rewritten twenty times (and counting)
  • Annie Proulx — hates her own character creations, and despises her readers as well
  • Ayn Rand — okay philosopher, terrible writer who should have written textbooks, not fiction
  • Thomas Pynchon — writes the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author in the modern era
  • And special mention: Marcel Proust —¬†wrote the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author before the arrival of Thomas Pynchon.

Your suggestions in Comments.