So in the ongoing search for a replacement for Nigella Lawson as my online fantasy woman extraordinaire, another contestant has come to mind: she’s over 50, somewhat classy — at least, she cleans up well — and boy… her other qualifications are shall we say, outstanding:
Now, I am not normally smitten by our Hispanic cousins, simply because I tend to prefer whiter-than-white skin, but let me tell you Salma Hayek gets me with her accent, too. I know that Mexican thing isn’t everybody’s favorite, but to me it’s cute and exotic (video link). And did I mention her other attributes?
The only part of Salma which might cause me some concern is that she’s that excitable-Latina type — all drama and waving arms — and I prefer a quiet life.
So maybe the search will have to continue…
To honor the passing of that old goat Hugh Hefner (91) of natural causes(!), allow me to offer this portrait of Kathy Douglas (1960), who was unquestionably one of the most gorgeous Playmates ever:
Okay, let’s make it two portraits:
“Another”, you plead? Oh, what the hell, why not? Hef would have wanted it this way:
Feel free to add your favorite Playmate in Comments, but only from those before 1972 (i.e. the pre-airbrushing years).
R.I.P., Hef. You may have been a factor in the decline of Western Civilization, but at least you were only a mild one.
Final thought: wouldn’t it be ironic if Heaven was like the Playboy Mansion?
As Loyal Readers will already know, the Goddess Nigella has lost favor with your Humble Narrator because she’s lost too much weight and has become unattractive (to me, anyway).
Much as I am tempted to transfer my online infatuation to a Train Smash Woman such as Lisa Appleton, she is rather a little too much of a good thing, if you get my drift:
Sadly, Train Smash Women also tend to be dead common, which is a major disqualification. Also, there’s that slightly crazed look in Miss Lisa’s eye which suggests that my pet bunny would not be safe around a kitchen pot.
So the search continues. I’m not going to spell the search criteria out, because in fact they are largely undefinable. Let’s just use the Old Nigella as a template, and take it from there:
Okay, what the hell, let’s give it a try: Nigella’s replacement must be over 50 years old, classy, with a full figure and a decent cleavage. Sadly, the very first criterion eliminates most well-known women these days because they all seem to have the morals of stoats and all the class of a full airline barf bag. Nevertheless, we can but try; I’m not looking for unblemished near-virginity — Nigella is anything but that — but a touch of class would be a definite starting-point.
It’s early days, of course, but ol’ Helen Mirren does cause a certain stirring in the loins:
Let’s just say she’s first out of the starting gate.
…or maybe I should say reduction instead of development.
Longtime Readers will know of my longtime infatuation with the wondrous Nigella Lawson:
However, of late there appears to be a lot less Nigella than there was before:
…and in fact, she looks positively skeletal nowadays:
I’cw always preferred bigger, full-figured women with hourglass figures, and Nigella probably epitomized that preference. But this disappearing act? I like it not. Maybe it’s time to find another Real Woman, of more-appealing amplitude.
But I’m going to feel guilty about this; I’ve always been a one-woman kinda guy.
I don’t know why the Brits persist in calling the DWI/DUI offence “drink” driving — as Dennis Farina notably said, “You guys invented the fucking language; why don’t you speak it?” It’s drunk driving, FFS.
Anyway, I see that Sky Sports presenter Kirsty Gallacher has been banned from driving because she was three times over the limit. Don’t care; she’s still a total hottie:
Volunteers for the job of Kirsty Gallacher’s chauffeur: the line forms to the right, over there. No pushing and shoving.
I’m by no means a fan of horror movies — in fact, I avoid them like the plague for two reasons: either they’re so cheesy and horrible that they anger me, or else they’re so good that I have to sleep with the lights on.
Over at Insty’s, Stephen Green has a link to 7 Indispensable Horror Movies or something — which I don’t care about in the slightest — but he does suggest that any list of good horror movies which does not include at least one performance by Ingrid Pitt is suspect. Of course, Stephen should know better than to talk about the exquisite Miss Pitt when she is largely unknown outside the horror genre. So as a public service, allow me to rectify his oversight:
…and something a little more spicy: