Category: Bad News

Let’s start off with some MuzzieNews:

...get used to it, fuckers.

...damn, a few pretty ones in there, too.  Amazing what losing the black sack will do for a woman.

In Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:

...wait:  wasn’t this supposed to have happened in 2015 already?  Oh wait:

...anyone else confused yet?  This might explain the following item:

...no wonder they lost their empire.

From the Department of Health:

...seven?  I can think of a dozen, without even trying.  See next item.

…

Time for some news of the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:

...mind you, the Irish have needed something to riot about since the Troubles ended.

Not to be confused with this lovely story:
...and if he does, the people responsible for freeing him should be jailed, or worse.

...that’s no way to talk about Mounties.

...it’s known as “The Crime Of The Century” by just about every Chicagoan.  Like substituting Burger King for Lawry’s.

...see, under the old Evil Apartheid Regime©, he’d have been dead for about nine years already.

...WTF is a dog influencer?

Time for some Nookie News:

...Rule #1 for threesomes:  don’t use cheap condoms, and nobody’ll get pregnant.

...we know, we know:  if you’re a guy, it withers and drops off;  and if you’re a chick, it grows closed.  Doesn’t everybody know this?

And now, it’s time for INSIGNIFICA:

...sheesh, Ozzy;  I’m pretty sure your sex has been well-driven by now.

Finally, there was some unimportant awards show in Britishland, and was attended by the Usual Sluts & Harlots:

Salma wasn’t there, but what the hell:

And that’s it, for the news.  Oh wait, there’s one more commercial:

Let’s start off with some Political News:

...also too incompetent, too corrupt, too socialist, etc.

...oh noes, yet another red wave (which will turn into a pinkish trickle — if that — on Election Day).

And in Furrin Political News:

...which was so unexpected that the socialists didn’t have time to “find” more votes for their candidate.

From the Pentagon Papers:

...fired soldiers to Army:  get fucked.  (Well, I would.)

...DUDE!  Also, typo.

In the Animal Kingdom:

...takes a while to change a whole nation’s cuisine choices, dunnit?

And speaking of foreign shitholes:

...when you’re worse than California, Cuba and Venezuela...

In Sex News:

...begging the question:  what exactly was a 20-year-old woman doing in a cemetery at 4am, alone?

...just taking a page from the Schumer/Feinstein playbook, really. [/puke]

...wait:  women have orgasms?  Must be some new thing.

In Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:

...actually, a cheaper solution would be just to ship all the JustStopOil and similar Greenpeace loonies to the Moon.  Without space suits.

And when it comes to INSIGNIFICA:

...well, to be fair, nobody uses pocket watches anymore.

...no great loss;  it was a terrible show without Clarkson, May and Hammond anyway.

...and nobody cares.  However, Hannah Fry is a ginger hotty:

And on that red-hot note, we end the news.

Starting off with a little good news, for a change:

...although as a Texan, I’m a little unclear about this “gun permits” concept.

From the SPORTS DESK:

...keyword:  Australian.  Also:

...and if you guessed the keyword as “South Africa”, you would be correct.

From the First World Problems Dept.:

...Israeli citizens were not available for comment.

Speaking of which, in the Glueball Jewhate section:

...while invisible to the fuzz were the 300 protesters chanting “Kill All Jew Bastards!”

In the OMG We Didn’t Expect Consequences For Our Jew Hate section (no links):

...

From the Dept. of Health:

...also noted by Captain Obvious.

Time for some SEX NEWS:

…the bracelet was what gave her away, the filthy animal.

...for the teenage trifecta.  Also, keyword:  Idaho.

...keyword:  Belgium.

...keyword:  New Zealand.  And she looks pretty much as you’d suspect she would.

Speaking of ugly women, some Broken Promises:

...yeah, she said that when GWB was elected, and didn’t.  Unfortunately.

And now:  INSIGNIFICA!!!

 

...and all for nothing, as Bernstein was a terrible conductor.

...relax, kids:  it’s only gonorrhea.

#Penicillin.

Finally, some TOTTY NEWS:

...close, but no cigar.

And in earlier times:

One last item:

Nice way to end this.

Let’s start off with some Medical News:

...should be jailed for giving out Plastic Fantastics instead of Colt 1911s, but I’m guessing that’s not the reason people are getting upset about this.  More:

...didn’t know we had one.

Moving on to the Dept. of Education:

...statutorily raped, that is, as the lucky lad got his end into Teacher Dearest at least twice, apparently without complaint.

...see, now I can’t help thinking that if our Junior G-Man had been getting massively bonked by his home room teacher, he would have had neither the time nor the energy to get all shooty.

And in Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:

...because even in Sunny Seffrica, solar energy can’t deliver. [/Captain Obvious]

...remind me about that “snowfalls are a thing of the past”, again?

...who cares if Portugal is laid waste by mining, as long as California- and Islington liberals can ride around smugly in their little Duracell cars.

In Business News:

...and if you thought she made a lot of money from her music, wait till you see how she does with OnlyFans.

From the Crime Desk:

...keyword:  Russia.  Second keyword:  9mm Europellet.

And in LGBTOSTFU News:

...actually, Ms. Purple Hair, it proves the exact opposite:  God does exist, and he hates you for being an amoral pervert.

From the Dept. of the Absurd:

...at this point, even Kafka would throw up his hands and admit defeat.

And in other INSIGNIFICA:

   

...call me old-fashioned, but “Woonsocket” is just a tad eccentric.  Also too long.

Finally, in Hottie Showbiz News, Hurley Department:

...and yes, she even goes topless.

I rather like her friend too, by the way.
#Threesome

And dat’s Da Nooz.