Category: Advice

Simple Solution

Advice

In the wake of the non-event of one Black dude bitchslapping another Black dude for making fun of his wife on a live TV show that nobody was watching, we get this wail:

Today, every comedian in the U.S. is on Facebook making nervous jokes about the likelihood of Will Smith copycats walking on stage and walloping a comic over a joke that hurt their little feelings.

So?  Fight back.  Perform while wearing sap gloves or a knuckleduster.  Make a baseball bat part of your routine.

Pepper spray, stun guns, will all work, but no real guns — that might be seen as a bit extreme, and probably with some justification.

Now, I have to say that if fistfights on stage are going to be a regular feature of Oscar Nights, I might even be tempted to watch the foul event, especially if Robert De Niro gets his ass kicked or Mark Ruffalo gets a few teeth knocked out.

Or, if that’s too violent, why not “MUD WRESTLING !!!  Featuring Christina Hendricks and
Salma Hayek !!!”

 

I’d watch that, you betcha.

Determinative Questions

Advice

As people seem to be unwilling to tell how to define what a woman is, the Babylon Bee  has an excellent questionnaire of 12 signs that someone may be a woman.

I would add only three:

13) Do you feel insecure about your relationships?

14) Do you often have low self-esteem, or feelings of inadequacy?

15) Have you ever faked an orgasm?

That should do it, with the Bee‘s dozen.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I met this really cute girl and we started dating.  She’d told me on our first date that she was a vegan, but I forgot all about that because she was so fine.
“Anyway, all was well until one night I complained to her about her cooking — there was something definitely ‘off’ about her spaghetti meat sauce, it tasted slightly rotten.
“I was absolutely knocked off my feet when she confessed that it wasn’t meat at all —  she’d used a vegetarian substitute.
“To make things worse, she also confessed that from the day she’d first starting cooking our meals, she’d always used vegan substitutes.  (I had noticed that I’d constantly been feeling tired of late, but I put it down to the sex we’d been having.)
“I told her that I didn’t want to see her again until she apologized for being so deceptive, but all my friends say I’m being childish.
“Am I?” — Betrayed,  Brisbane

Dear Betrayed:
You’re not being childish, but you are being stupid.  Your first mistake was not running for the exit when she told you she was a vegan.  There is no greater indicator of female insanity than veganism, except maybe being a global warming hysteric, but I should point out that the two conditions have a large overlap on the Venn diagram.
Your second mistake is that you’re prepared to see her again as long as she apologizes for her deceit.  Are you fucking crazy?  Don’t you realize that this tart will never stop trying to change you into joining her stupid religion?  (And by the way, if she’ll deceive you over a simple thing like food, she’ll be equally deceptive over everything else — connect the dots.)
Toss her overboard.
Now for the future, I should pass on some excellent advice from my good friend Patterson, who always buys a woman a rare steak as a vegetarian/vegan filter on their first date.  Go, and do thou the same.

 

Premature Death, Men’s Division

Advice

I wrote about this very topic a long time ago:

Men who are broken-hearted or just unlucky in love could be more likely to have health-damaging inflammation, new research suggests.
Serious breakups and solo living for many years may increase the risk of ill health and death — but apparently only for men, according to the researchers behind a new Danish study.

All my suggestions are still valid.