“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“Not only has my wife now gone off sex altogether, she won’t even kiss me. She says it makes her feel “dirty and disgusting” and that it’s just not something she wants to do any more. I don’t understand where this has come from, but it’s beginning to break my heart.

“I’m 55 and she is 49. We have been married for 20 years and now have two grown-up children. While we’ve never had the most exciting sex life, we always used to make time for a bit of intimacy. Now she no longer touches me, and even when I try to kiss her or cuddle her, she makes it clear how uncomfortable she is about it. I’ve tried everything but she is making me feel unattractive and unwanted.

“How can I solve this problem? I miss feeling close to her.

Rejected, Cambridge

Dear Rejected:

Of all the ways a woman can reject a man, telling him that intimacy makes her feel “dirty and disgusting” has to be the most brutal.  So why is she doing this to you?

She’s having an affair.

No point whining about it;  it’s a done deal.  If you don’t want to get a divorce, move all your stuff into another bedroom (you should have one, as your kids are grown), and then start living a separate life from her:  women, friends, late nights and so on.  When you go out, don’t tell her where you’re going or when she can expect you back.  If she asks if you’re seeing another woman, tell her it’s none of her business.  Tell her that “closeness” is a two-way street, and as she’s walked away from you, you’re not going to beg for it.

Don’t even bother negotiating with her, and don’t listen to her if she wants “things to go back to the way they used to be”.

By the way:  if she’s not having an affair, then she has psychological problems that are so profound that there’s no point in you trying to understand or fix them.

In either case, my advice is the same:  dump her and get on with your own life.

 

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m 40 and my boyfriend is 43. We’ve been together for ten years.

“My partner’s sexual fantasy was to watch me have sex with another man.

“Ever since we met, he’s shared that his fantasy is to watch another man have sex with me. Over the past few years, he’s become preoccupied with trying it in real life.

“At first, I was resistant. I am a one-man woman. But the more he asked, the more I realized how happy it would make him. And I thought it might be exciting. Eventually, I agreed to do it — as his birthday present.

“One evening, we went out for drinks and he invited a mate to join us. They’d already agreed this friend would come home with us. Once there, my boyfriend told me to go to the bedroom and get undressed, and to act like he wasn’t there. Then he sent the guy upstairs to join me. He followed a few minutes later and sat in a chair in the corner of the room.

“I was shy initially, but the other guy was very sexy. Once he started kissing me, I relaxed into it and soon found myself enjoying the experience.

“Afterwards, my partner sent him home and got into bed with me and he was so turned on that it was the best sex we’ve ever had.

“Dr. Kim, the problem is that now I’ve let the genie out of the bottle, I can’t put it back in. I did it once -– and now he’s begging me to do it again, but I don’t want it to become a regular part of our sex life.

What am I to do now?

Slave To Voyeurism

Dear Slave:

Ten years is a long time for a non-marital relationship to last, and it’s an even longer time to be persuading you to fuck another man while he watches.

The unpleasant little truth about seemingly-innocent perversions like this one — and it is a perversion — is that at some point, things are going to start getting unpleasant:  for you.  Ollie The Onlooker is going get dissatisfied with watching just straight sex, and he’s going to start getting adventurous, which means that you’re going to get dragged along, more or less unwillingly.  I don’t know where it will lead to, but as a guess we’re looking at (in no specific order) bondage, possibly sado-masochism, multiple male participants (i.e. gang bangs), and similar fun stuff (for him).

And by the way:  your guy’s buddy is going to want a little action without Ollie in the audience.  Take my word for it.

As you yourself said, the genie is out of the bottle, so unless you take charge, your future looks bleak.

The man is a sick fuck (literally).  Dump him and get on with your life.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim: 

“I met this rather hunky-looking guy online, and after a two-week flirtation, I agreed to go away with him to a romantic island destination. 

“Well, the romantic holiday was anything but.  No sooner had we got to the beach and gone for a swim when he ripped off my sexy bikini and raped me, right there in the sea as we were swimming together.

“So I asked him to take me back to my hotel room — where he tried to rape me again.  Fortunately, I managed to escape from him, and called the police.  He’s been charged with rape and now faces prison time. 

“What should I do, going forward”

Abused, UK

Dear Abused Idiot,

I know you’re only twenty years old, and perhaps you think that this should excuse your stupidity and naïveté.  However, all 20-year-olds seem to think they know everything about everything, when in fact they know nothing about anything — even, it seems, when it comes to online dating, an activity with which they’ve supposedly been familiar since pre-adolescence.

So my first piece of advice is to burn your voter’s ID because you are too stupid to be allowed to vote.  Add your driver’s license to the bonfire, for the same reason, and maybe your bus pass too, just to be on the safe side.  (I’d suggest your phone too, but I don’t think the NHS covers the surgery needed to remove it from your hand.)

Just in case you haven’t got the picture by now, let me outline the parts where you went hopelessly wrong.

  1. Online relationships are often not what they seem to be.
  2. Two weeks’ online chat does not make a relationship — at least, not one where you should leave home and meet up in a totally strange place, by yourself.
  3. Young Albanian men do not make the best boyfriends.  Feel free to go online and look up for “Balkan gangsters”, if you don’t believe me. I also should point out that for most Albanian men, killing someone for a seemingly-trivial reason is not an unknown event.  Calling the cops on them isn’t trivial.
  4. The island of Rhodes is indeed a romantic place for a rendezvous.  However, entrusting your wellbeing to the Greek police is not a safe bet — even though you lucked out on this occasion.

I would suggest that you confine your romantic searches to your own city, except that you live in the U.K. which, according to most news reports, seems to be populated with Albanian gangsters and rapists/murderers in general, some not even wearing police uniforms.

My final piece of advice, therefore, is to emigrate to a Scandinavian country — but just avoid dating young immigrant Arab men there because they basically taught the Albanians all they know.  The soft blonde native Scandi men are a much safer bet.

PSA

Today’s public service announcement comes from Noose-Tie, makers of fine hemp rope for over 150 years (motto:Stretch Necks Not Rope“), and should serve as a handy little reference guide for when we start cleaning up the Swamp come The Glorious Day:

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the range because I support shooting over hanging, for obvious reasons.

Bill Wilson Cleans His 1911

I love watching a pro go about his business, and let’s be honest that when it comes to the 1911 pistol, few if any are Bill’s equal.

Which is why a couple of things he says in this video made me go:  “Huh?  I did not know that*.”

And I’ve fired well over 50,000 rounds through various 1911 models.  Watch, and learn as I did.


*the life of a typical recoil spring was one of them.  I change mine a lot less frequently than he does, but that’s going to change, you betcha.

Getting Re-Acquainted

From Reader Scott O. comes this request:

My wife is interested in getting back into shooting. She grew up around guns and shooting but with the demands of child-raising her skills atrophied. She wants to remedy that situation and also to have a handgun of her own. Her ultimate goal is to have a home defense handgun that she can shoot proficiently which is also pleasant to shoot recreationally.

Our initial plan was to go to the local gun shop/range and rent a few to find one she liked. We did that a couple of times but it became apparent that she needs a lot of practice to regain her skills. We’re thinking now that we get her a .22 first and another handgun later. That would allow her to redevelop her skills at a lower cost and then when it comes time to get the larger caliber she can focus on choosing one that suits her without being distracted by poor marksmanship.

She much prefers revolvers, which is a bit of a problem since most of what’s on the market are semi-auto. Would you give your opinion on our plan and some advice on choosing a .22 revolver?

So far, you’re batting 1.000 in that you’ve done the logical first steps towards choosing the proper gun — renting different models, figuring out her preferred type, realizing that this would be the training piece prior to getting a home- / self-defense gun, and so on.  All good stuff, and well done.

Here are my thoughts.

  • Pick a .22 revolver which holds more than six rounds.  In the past, this was problematic, because few did;  nowadays, however, there’s a plethora of models available.  The reason I suggest this is that my own experience shows that just when you’re starting to get the hang of the shooting, there’s a “click” and you have to break your grip and stance to reload.  Also, more is almost always a good idea.
  • You didn’t say whether your wife is comfortable shooting a heavier gun like, say, the S&W 617 (which is a bit of a beast, relatively speaking).  If she isn’t, then you may want to disregard my recommendation above, and settle for a decent six-shooter instead.  However, if she’s going to shoot a heavier (self-defense) piece later, let’s assume that this is not a problem.
  • I myself prefer to shoot a single-action .22 revolver, but that’s because I like to take my time shooting rimfires.  Almost everyone else — and certainly beginners — prefer the double-action type, so I’m not going to argue the point.  Get a double-action revolver, then, but let me at least mention what I think is an excellent choice for a single-action 10-shot revolver:

Ruger Single-Ten (in short- or long barrel, blued or stainless)

…but as a longtime owner of the Single-Six version, allow me to mention that the old-fashioned reloading process is a PITA.  There are also cheaper options available (e.g. the Heritage Rough Rider or the Traditions model), but the Ruger has an adjustable rear sight and anyway, I’m assuming that you care for your beloved wife and want her to have the very best. [/wiseass]

Now for the double-action choices.  Here’s the aforementiond S&W model:

S&W Model 617 (with barrel-length options, stainless only)

…and just as nobody ever got fired for recommending IBM, nobody will ever sneer at your S&W revolver.  Good, reliable guns, albeit a tad spendy.

But here’s what I think is the best choice:

Ruger GP100 Standard

Reasons:

  • It’s a Ruger;  it ain’t gonna break.
  • The double-action trigger is a little heavy (because it’s a Ruger), but your local gun wizard can take care of that for you, as likely would a few bricks of practice ammo.  (And some .22 snap caps are your friend, for dry-firing practice:  true for whatever gun you finally decide on, of course.)
  • Ruger makes a .22 speedloader for the GP100, thus making the whole reloading thing a lot easier.  They are spendy ($35!) but if you think about it, that’s about what you pay for a semi-auto magazine.  I’d get two, minimum, so you can be reloading one while the Missus is shooting the other.  (By the way, you can also get a speedloader for the S&W 617, should you decide to go there.)

But to my mind, here’s the clincher for the GP100:

  • When your wife decides to go to a home-defense piece, the identically-framed GP 100 in .38 Special / .357 Magnum would be an excellent choice — less so as a carry piece, perhaps, but that’s all part of the compromise.  However, out of the box the new gun would feel familiar in hold, weight and trigger pull, which would be a compelling reason to get the .22 model first.

I’m a huge fan of the revolver as a bedside gun (I myself have a S&W Model 65 in .38 Special / .357 Magnum, for just that reason), so take that for what it’s worth.  Had I not happened upon a (long-since discontinued) Mod 65, however, the GP100 would undoubtedly have been my #1 choice.

And now I have to stop, because that 10-shot .22 GP100 bad boy is looking more and more desirable, and I am so weak…