1) Woman dies when she falls onto an eco-friendly metal drinking straw which impales her in the eye — you would have to have a heart of stone not to laugh at this story. Or at this one:
2) Bankers are fired and get all sobby — that’s what happens when you don’t call in enough loans and fail to toss your quota of poor people out onto the street.
3) Irish man, 19, ‘is raped by two men in Magaluf after being kicked out of a brothel for having no money’ — I have no idea what the problem is, here: he was looking for some sex, wasn’t he?
4) Gay group wearing ‘lesbians are women’ t-shirts are removed by police from the National Theatre bar after a transgender staff member was offended by their views — I’m trying to think how it’s possible to fit more annoying shit into a single headline, but I can’t — unless Michelle Obama was the trannie.
5) Clinton confidante Epstein charged with arranging child prostitutes for friends — will be murdered or “commit suicide” in 3… 2… 1…
6) African leaders launched a continental free-trade zone on Sunday that if successful would unite 1.3 billion people, create a $3.4 trillion economic bloc and usher in a new era of development — it’s gonna fail. Africa wins again.
7) Older female rhinos are sent in to help young male get horny — redefines the meaning of “cougar”, dunnit? (I’m trying to visualize “older female rhinos” and “sex”, but all I can think of is Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters. Sorry.)