Aaaaaargh FFS I’m just about to explode with rage over here. Why? Because the Language Police are out in force, trying to circumscribe my speech yet again, but this time from another direction.
It’s bad enough that I can’t say the words “snigger” or “blackball” without some fucking snowflake or race hustler getting triggered and calling me Worse Than Hitler — we’re all familiar with that form of PC regulation.
Here’s the list of ‘helpful’ suggestions from PETA for teachers to use with their pupils instead of the current ‘harmful’ phrases. It recommends:
- ‘Let the cat out of the bag’ is changed to ‘Spill the beans’
- ‘Be a guinea pig’ to ‘Be the test tube’
- ‘Hold your horses’ to ‘Hold the phone’
- ‘Open a can of worms’ to ‘Open Pandora’s box’
- ‘Bring home the bacon’ to ‘Bring home the bagels’
- ‘Put all your eggs in one basket’ to ‘Put all your berries in one bowl’
- ‘Kill two birds with one stone’ to ‘Feed two birds with one scone’
- ‘Take the bull by the horns’ to ‘Take the flower by the thorns’
- ‘Flog a dead horse’ to ‘Feed a fed horse’
- ‘More than one way to skin a cat’ to More than one way to peel a potato’
Now the fucking vegans have to get involved in language? Great Caesar’s bleeding hemorrhoids, isn’t there any part of my life which can escape the censure of these bastard busybodies?
I think the best thing I can do (apart from some activity involving an AK-47 and a few Molotov cocktails) is to offer up some suggestions which escaped the above list, but that we may use just to antagonize these pricks a little further:
- Bleeding the lizard (male urination)
- Choking the chicken (male masturbation)
- Spearing the bearded clam (shagging)
- Harpooning a whale (fucking a fat chick — a twofer, because body-shaming)
- Bonking a buffalo (ditto)
- Poking a panther (fucking a Black chick)
- Tonguing the trout (cunnilingus)
- Eating an eel (fellatio)
- Playing with the puppies (fondling a woman’s breasts)
- …and all the expressions involving the word “pussy”, e.g. pussyfooting.
If anyone has any other suggestions, go at it in Comments. I’m too angry to think.
No I’m not: I think I’ll go and roast me a leg of lamb for dinner.
Here’s the source:
In fact, this may be our best revenge on these gastronomic Puritans: every time you read something about vegans that pisses you off, make yourself a meat dish for dinner. Or go completely overboard at lunchtime:
*I should point out that “Open Pandora’s box” is probably offensive to some feministicals because of its quasi-sexual connotation, but I’ll let them fight it out with the vegans, preferably with nuclear weapons so we can have a little mutually-assured destruction.
Okay, that thought put a smile back on my face.