Looks like the Morrisons supermarket chain is going to be a breakfast destination for any of you visiting Britishland in the future:
(You may want to take a companion, as that’s a single serving. And it costs just under $7.)
And they call American portions excessive…
From Mandy Baldwin at Country Squire Magazine :
“Talking of sex, ladies, if you don’t like what’s being dished up, try varying the menu, instead of betraying private foibles to anyone who’ll listen. How would you like your bits being the subject of gossip? He’s not a rapist just because you’ve gone off him. If he makes your flesh crawl in a bad way, you don’t make a feminist statement by hanging around. Leave, make your own life, let him make his.
“After all, one woman’s mouldy chipolata is another woman’s prime beef-steak, and chances are, he’s equally miserable: not everyone enjoys being shackled to someone who pulls a face like a bull-dog chewing a wasp at the merest hint of a Morning Glory.”
That’s some priceless imagery, right there.
“So I joined a site where women sell their bodies to wealthy men, and to my utter horror, most of the men regard the women as little better than prostitutes!”
That wasn’t the actual headline for this stupid woman’s story, of course; this was:
I tried a sugar-baby dating site, and you wouldn’t believe my stories
I’d believe all of them, except for the one where you met a wealthy, handsome man and didn’t sleep with him on your first date.
Fucking hell. If the doomed inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah could come back to today’s New York, they’d be the most conservative people in Manhattan.
And as for Miss Sugar:
One of my favorite ad campaigns of all time was that of Smirnoff during the 1970s. Basically, the formula was a series of ads using the riff of “I thought or did [x], until I discovered Smirnoff.” Here’s one example:
Other examples include:
- “I thought Cunnilingus was the Irish airline, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought Wanking was a city in China, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought the Salvation Army came from Salvatia, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought a ménage à trois was a French dish, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought crabs meant soft-shell, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
- “I thought Fellatio was an admiral in the Royal Navy, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
…and so on. The lines could be innocuous like the ones in the pictures, or else as racy as the others listed. Whatever their bent, they were all hilarious, and the theme is actually timeless (the mark of truly great advertising).
Feel free to add your own suggestions on the same theme, in Comments — e.g. “I thought the Clinton Foundation was a charity, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
In response to situations such as this:
Two teenagers have been stabbed to death within days of each other as Britain’s knife crime bloodshed continues.
…a judge in Britishland has come up with a solution:
A judge has called for a drastic rethink on the way we use knives in kitchens in a bid to reduce the number of young men dying on our streets because of knife crime.
And he has come up with an idea for a scheme that could be rolled out across the UK where members of the public could take their kitchen knives to be ‘modified’ and the points ground down into rounded ends.
After all, nobody except a professional chef (trained in its use) has any need for a pointed knife, anyway.
I report, you wet your pants laughing.