New Entrant

As Loyal Readers will already know, the Goddess Nigella has lost favor with your Humble Narrator because she’s lost too much weight and has become unattractive (to me, anyway).

Much as I am tempted to transfer my online infatuation to a Train Smash Woman such as  Lisa Appleton, she is rather a little too much of a good thing, if you get my drift:

Sadly, Train Smash Women also tend to be dead common, which is a major disqualification. Also, there’s that slightly crazed look in Miss Lisa’s eye which suggests that my pet bunny would not be safe around a kitchen pot.

So the search continues. I’m not going to spell the search criteria out, because in fact they are largely undefinable. Let’s just use the Old Nigella as a template, and take it from there:

Okay, what the hell, let’s give it a try: Nigella’s replacement must be over 50 years old, classy, with a full figure and a decent cleavage. Sadly, the very first criterion eliminates most well-known women these days because they all seem to have the morals of stoats and all the class of a full airline barf bag. Nevertheless, we can but try; I’m not looking for unblemished near-virginity — Nigella is anything but that — but a touch of class would be a definite starting-point.

It’s early days, of course, but ol’ Helen Mirren does cause a certain stirring in the loins:

Let’s just say she’s first out of the starting gate.


  1. While she doesn’t quite meet your age criteria (she’s 42), I’d have to vote for Christina Hendricks. Also not quite meeting the criteria at age 45 is Sofia Vergara. Both certainly meet the full-figured and decent cleavage criteria.

    Halle Berry is over 50, and she’s absolutely stunning. She might be a bit slender for your consideration though. Were it not for your insistence on class Mariah Carey would be a contender, but she definitely qualifies as a Train Smash Woman.

  2. Helen Mirren? IIRC she loved getting her kit off; any excuse for a nude scene. How about Michelle Gomez, who plays Missy in Doctor Who?

    She’s not quite 50, but does Renee Zellweger have the curves and fullness you seek?

  3. For me, fantasy women needn’t be subject to the indignities of time and gravity which affect us mortals. So I’ll take Jennifer Connelly’s 25 YO body with the mind of “some conservative woman who’s almost as smart as I”.

  4. Ahhh…Ms. Mirren!
    I was smitten with her when I first saw her in the ’70s.
    Does she enjoy a bit of the flesh-tease? Most certainly!
    This is a “feature”, not a “bug”!
    The body may (and will) wither, but the mind…!
    I’ll take a naughty-minded retiree over a blank young hipster-hottie EVERY day!

  5. Aside from being eight years too young for your criteria , I would suggest Christina Hendricks, she of Mad Men fame.

    Womanly, classy, sassy and good grief does she know how to fill out a dress – especially that green brocade number.

    If I were a gentleman, that would be the kind of lady I’d be interested in.

  6. Though at 48-years she’s a bit under the age bogey, my ideal is Catherine Zeta-Jones. Just zaftig enough to be interesting if not comfortable.
    Once I also yearned to cook up a storm with Nigella. She reminds me of a gal I once knew in well spent youth. And as with Catherine & Nigella, also a bit “juicy”. Good sense of humor, she made a play on her family name by pronouncing it “good butt”. And that it was….

  7. I’ve always liked Sandra Bullock. She’s over 50 and while not quite large breasted, she still has a very nice figure.

Comments are closed.