Another Useless Fucking Study

So now it appears that if you drink black coffee, you’re a psychopath.

I drink black coffee.

Happily, however, the same study states that additional clues to psychopathy are a fondness for radishes, celery and tonic water. Fortunately, I hate radishes and want to puke at even the thought of eating celery. I do like tonic water, but only when it’s the delivery mechanism for gin. Maybe I’m only half a psychopath, then? A quarter?

Just to be on the safe side, though, I think I’ll switch to drinking my gin with bitter lemon; that is, until another study comes out stating that a fondness for bitter lemon is an indicator that one is a homosexual pedophile, or that drinking bitter lemon causes one to grow an extra buttock.

Did I already mention that I don’t put much stock in medical / academic / scientific studies?

5 comments

  1. I drink black coffee, I like radishes, celery is OK (mixed in tuna salad, or coated in blue cheese dressing along with hot wings). Never developed a taste for either tonic or gin though.

    I also never claimed NOT to be a psychopath, so there’s that.

  2. Like Mark, I drink my coffee black. (In the Navy we called it “black & bitter” as opposed to “blonde & sweet”.) I also like radishes when they are fresh. Celery is okay in salads etc. but about the only time I will eat a stalk of it is with peanut butter. Gin & tonic is okay but I much prefer a single malt scotch, neat.

    If that makes me a psychopath I guess I’m okay with it. I have found that if people think you are a bit crazy, they tend to treat you with more respect.

    1. “I have found that if people think you are a bit crazy, they tend to treat you with more respect.”

      Oh indeed. I’ve avoided a number of fights by appearing crazy enough for people not to want to tangle with.

  3. I’m convinced that the majority of these studies are written by folks who are slightly smarter than folks who ask “would you like fries with that?” for a living since they’re able to bilk money out of government agencies to fund their “studies.”

    wait a couple of months and I’m sure a study will come saying that folks who drink black coffee, radishes, celery etc are the worlds greatest philanthropists. After all, you did give the world the Nation of Riflemen……

  4. Sounds like the researchers didn’t bother to remember the difference between causation and correlation.

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